


Fragility.

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: But reconciliation is a thing that will happen., Lots of anger and angst and stuff, M/M, also mentions of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-04-22
Packaged: 2017-11-30 00:38:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thirty-five years ago, Fíli watched as Kíli was killed as a result of Fíli's cowardice. Time has passed, and, after the Battle of Five Armies, and the death of Thorin Oakenshield, Fíli will be crowned King Under The Mountain. It is not uncommon for a king to have enemies, but soon, a new one will show up. </p><p>One that hasn't forgotten, and wants his revenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude.

**Author's Note:**

> Second Hobbit fic guys! This one will be substantially less cheesy and romantic than my last one... I desperately hope. Yeah I kind of hated it by the end, so hopefully this one will go a bit better!
> 
> Feedback would be awesome, if you have a chance. Other than that, enjoy!

It was supposed to have been a simple hunting party. 

They had left The Blue Mountains with laughter quick on their tongues, and excitement in their hearts; no fear was even anticipated, let alone seen or heard. Fíli and Kíli had travelled a step behind their uncle, regaling each other with tales and jokes, occasionally laughing or throwing a half-hearted swat in the other's direction. Kíli's laugh still echoed in Fíli's ears. Now, Fíli was utterly alone. And so was Kíli, he had to be, but Fíli couldn't see him from where he was hidden. All he could see was the blood, so much of it, staining the underbrush of the forest floor in innocent splotches on leaves, like a child had simply spilled paint on the foliage. Bodies, too, Fíli could see the bodies, laying in a discombobulated patchwork, some of them still twitching and fidgeting with the desperate attempts to survive of those clinging to the last few minutes of life. The worst were the bodies that lay completely still, eyes glazed over and expressions frozen in the slackened states that accompanied only death. 

There were screams, too, but they had grown less and less frequent as time passed; since the approaching snarls had sounded the Orc pack's arrival until now, only perhaps a few minutes had passed, but a lifetime's worth of horrors had played themselves out in front of Fíli's eyes. He had hunted before, many a time, and had skinned and gutted animals from bucks to squirrels, but never had he before witnessed another dwarf die. Never had he seen the way that flesh peeled backwards as a blade split skin, nor had he ever seen the way that blood pulsed out from a severe wound. The worst were the slit throats. The victims would open their mouths to scream, but no sound would escape, and they would fall as they lost blood, first to their knees, then to the ground, sometimes clawing at their necks as if to stop the wound with their fingers. One, a blacksmith who was a good friend of his father, had made even made eye contact with Fíli as he crouched, frozen in his hiding spot. His mouth had opened and closed in a wordless plea, but Fíli didn't move as he keeled over, drowned by his own blood. 

They hadn't seen Fíli yet. He was hidden in the underbrush, a shortsword clutched in one hand, the other clamped over his mouth to keep himself completely silent. His breath came in through the gaps in his fingers in rough, jagged gasps that barely seemed to bring any air into his lungs. His mind felt utterly displaced from his body, adrenaline and fear bringing him into a state of terrified heightened clarity. From where he was sat, Fíli could only make out a few moving fingers, but, judging from the clash of metal and the cries of pain and battle, there were still many of his party left standing, and the Orc pack had not retreated.

It was at this moment that Fíli saw his chance. If he stood and turned now, no one would see him run. He could escape with his life, which was more than most of them could say. His resolve grew with each breath, and he dropped his hand to the ground, readying himself to push to his feet. As soon as he did, he heard a shrill cry, painfully familiar, tight and broken with panic. "Fíli!" Fíli's eyes instantly snapped towards the source of the yell, and his blood seemed to switch the course of its flow in that moment.

Kíli had always been so admirably brave. He had climbed the tallest of trees, and scaled cliffs before his hair was long enough to braid. He had stood up to the boys of his age who had pushed him around and laughed at him for his scrawny build, in fact, he had sent them home crying while he sported little more than a bruised lip and a proud grin. Fíli had never seen his brother so truly scared in his entire life. There was a knife at his throat, a crude Orc dagger, and Fíli saw in his mind before him the silent plea of the blacksmith. Only this was different. This was Kíli. 

If the Orcs saw Fíli, he was dead, too. For a moment, Fíli hesitated, his eyes locked upon his brother's. He would never reach him. Fíli's lips parted. 'I'm sorry,' he breathed, before he stumbled back, turned tail, and ran with all the strength he had in him. He turned just in time to miss witnessing Kíli's fate, but when no cry called him back, he knew what had to have taken place. He ran, and ran, and ran, until his entire body seemed to give out underneath him, and he fell to his knees, his stomach turning until he started dry-heaving into the brush. He could hear his own name being screamed in his mind just as Kíli had, reverberating like an echo, yet rather than growing faint, it gained volume and intensity with each repetition until it blocked out his perception of all other sounds. Fíli's hands came to cover his ears, as if doing so could quiet the ghost in his mind, but this did nothing, if not made it worse. 

_"If you had stayed, you would both have died,"_ Fíli told himself, trying to pull back to his feet, to little effect. _"You are not responsible for his death."_ A thousand memories flashed before his eyes, twisting the sharp stab of guilt in his stomach even more. 

The first time their mother had caught Kíli in a lie after he'd blamed Fíli for eating the last jam tart. Fíli had sat with him for hours until his tears subsided, telling him some folktales that Balin had entertained Fíli with when he was as young as Kíli. 

The time they had fought over something trivial and Kíli had thrown a book at Fíli in anger, and the bump on Fíli's head had lasted for days afterwards. Kíli had tried to make it up to Fíli by purchasing a particularly heavy hard-cover encyclopedia which he presented to Fíli telling him he could throw it at Kíli whenever he deserved it. The laughter had been their reconciliation, not just that then, but in many disagreements previous and subsequent. 

The time they had gone hunting together alone for the first time, and managed within a few hours to lose themselves in the woods. Two days later, they had stumbled out of the forest, miles from where they had entered, and both loving and hating each other more than ever. 

They were born competitors, warriors, with big hearts, brave souls, and wills of an unyielding mettle. They fought with each other with such frequency that they often forgot what their latest argument even pertained to within a few hours. Their blood ran as hot as their tempers did - the same blood, pumped through two hearts, held by two minds. Despite the fights and the unkind words that passed between them, there was no one Fíli trusted more, and no one Fíli wished to protect more than Kíli. 

And he had failed. He had effectively killed him. Fíli tried to inhale, but his throat closed as if he was being directly asphyxiated. He had had a chance. Kíli would have ran from those bushes faster than lightening if it had been Fíli. The blacksmith wavered in Fíli's mind again, faded, then returned with a malice; only, this time, it was not the same face, it was Kíli he saw. More clearly than the forest around him, Fíli saw the dented and rusted blade of the Orc slash across Kíli's throat in a rough but lavish jerk of the arm. In his mind, Fíli saw the opening of the gaping laceration that would fill with blood before it spilled forth, coating the furs and skins he wore to protect himself. His eyes would go wild, and his mouth would gape as he tried to cling to the last few seconds of life he had left before his lungs filled with blood. 

Only it wasn't hypothetical, Fíli realized, and his body convulsed for a moment, before whatever remained in his stomach spilled onto the ground below him. In those seconds that that he had turned his back, all that had come to pass. He was gone. No matter how many times he had cursed Kíli, he was his brother, his little brother, and his responsibility. 

_"I have failed you."_ Fili wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his voice hoarse and thin. After a long breath, Fili pushed himself slowly to his feet. One step, then another. His whole body shook while responding sluggishly to his commands. But he pushed himself onwards towards The Blue Mountains, thinking that every second passing was a second that had been paid for by Kíli's life. The sun had sunk to the horizon when Fíli finally reached the entrance to the mountain, and, within seconds, he was swept off his feet into a tight embrace. 

"Fili..." The growl of Thorin's voice was unmistakable despite the breathless speech. "I thought I had lost you." Fíli's fingers curled into the fabric of Thorin's tunic, and he buried his face in his uncle's shoulder, letting his body give in to the violent sobs that overcame him. As Fíli wept, Thorin's hold tightened, one hand rubbing Fíli's back in a comforting motion, yet his hand was not nearly as steady as he was used to. 

"Thorin- Kíli, he-" Fili pulled back, taking a step away from the safety of his uncle's arms. "It's my fault, I could have helped him, but I ran. If I had-" 

"You are alive, that is what matters." Thorin said, reaching a hand to Fíli's shoulder. "Many died, not just Kíli. We were outnumbered, we-"

"I had a chance, Thorin," Fili choked out, "I could have saved him but I chose instead to run." 

For a long moment, they stayed silent, Thorin's gaze averted, and Fíli's fixed upon Thorin's face, searching for some sort of reassurance to tell him that Kíli's death was not his fault. The words that Thorin gave him did little in that respect. 

"It is a burden you will have to bear. But do not let it consume you." Thorin's eyes closed for a long moment, and when he spoke again, his hand tightened and his voice wavered. "Fíli... Kíli was not the only one to fall. Fíli, your father..." 

Whatever Thorin said after that was entirely lost to Fíli. His vision and hearing dulled until he had no real sense of his surroundings, other than the hand on his shoulder, until that too was forgotten, in a dull, senseless roar. He could have fought. He could have saved them - or at least helped them save themselves. But he was a coward, and their blood was on his hands. "Oh, Fíli," Fíli registered his name faintly, but his mind was ensnared once more by images of Kíli's throat being opened again and again, and then his father's. 

Fíli was only half aware when Thorin lead him back into the safety of The Blue Mountains, supporting Fíli's every half-hearted step. 

Seven miles to the east, Kíli finally stopped running. He took two shuddering breaths before he collapsed from exhaustion and blood loss, faintly aware of one thing: he was still alive, and until he drew his last breath, he owed Fíli no forgiveness. 

He would pay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay it looks like there's already some interest in this so I wrote another chapter as opposed to coursework o o p s nope i'm not sorry. Anyways, I hope you like this one, and, as always, feedback is appreciated!

The sun had not yet set on the funeral day, and already plans for the coronation were being put into motion. It made Fíli feel sick; Thorin's body was barely cold in the ground, and already the talk of feasts and celebrations had begun. As angry as such talk made Fíli, after such trial, strong leadership was desperately needed, and the succession feel to him. He was the last of the line of Durin, and the sole heir to the throne. He had a duty. He had followed Thorin to the Lonely Mountain, he had fought and he had struggled, and a costly victory had been won. _'How much must we still sacrifice? Thorin's body lies beneath the earth, and I soon take the throne, friendless and unprepared.'_

Thorin's funeral had been unbefitting of his status. Recovering from the battle as they were, it was up to those who were left from the original company of twelve who had set out with Thorin to lay their fallen leader to rest. They observed what funeral rites they could, but the burial was not fit for a king, especially one such as Thorin. Thorin had protected Fíli from the day he first laid eyes upon his little nephew, only a few hours after birth, and now, nearly eight decades later he was gone, all too quickly. And Fíli wasn't sure he knew entirely how to protect himself. 

"You've buried far too many of your kin, laddie." A hand clasped Fíli's shoulder from behind, and he started, awoken from a labyrinth of thoughts. "But you have friends among us yet." 

"Thank you, Balin." Fíli managed to say, his eyes never leaving the freshly turned earth that marked where his uncle lay to rest, next to the marked graves of the Dwarven kings of old. "We didn't bury Kíli. There was no body to be found. Just a cloak, his dagger, and-" Fíli broke off for a moment, feeling sick at the memory. "Two fingers from his right hand. We think- the Wargs... or the Orcs.." 

"I know, Fíli, I know." Balin moved to stand next to Fíli, gazing thoughtfully down at Thorin's grave. "Kíli's fate was a terrible one, but forty years have passed. You must learn to forgive yourself. Much has changed since then, and you have grown much, and you are our king now. If you cannot forgive yourself the mistakes you made as a child, how can you forgive yourself the mistakes you will make as a king? We all make the wrong choices sometimes, laddie. Thorin did many a time, as did his father and grandfather." 

All Fíli could do was repeat a quiet, "Thank you, Balin," to which Balin nodded quietly, and turned to give Fíli some time to himself. A cold wind blew in from the North, and Fíli shivered, pulling his cloak tighter around himself. His eyes fell to the frayed brown material, and his chest tightened at the sight. The day after the attack, Thorin had taken a party of dwarves to the spot where the raid had taken place, intending to bring back the bodies and possessions of the fallen. Thorin had returned with Kíli's belongings, intending to bury all they had found, but Fíli had insisted on keeping the cloak, a reminder of his own guilt. It had taken some convincing, but Thorin and Dís had given into Fíli's will eventually. 

Kíli's funeral had been small. They had buried the remains they had found in a small, ornate box, as well as the knife, and had given the traditional prayers to the fallen as they laid what little they had of him in the ground. Fíli had hung onto his mother tightly as Thorin laid Kíli to rest, and they had all wept together, each feeling their own separate guilt. After the funeral, they had gathered in Thorin's chambers, where they had sat all night, silent, all thinking of that which they had lost and would never return. Both Thorin and Dís knew of Fíli's guilt, but neither spoke of it, nor did they outwardly blame him, but Fíli could tell that they too felt his betrayal. 

Tonight, Fíli would sit alone. And, for the rest of his life, he would be alone. There was no one left who could comprehend his guilt, nor could they forgive him his wrongdoings. Dís' death had come a few years after Kíli's. They had told Fíli that her drowning was an accident, but Fíli knew that she had killed herself. She had lost all that she had held dear, and Fíli was a constant reminder of that. Fíli couldn't find it in himself to blame her for seeking peace after losing a husband and a son, while they other's beating heart spoke of deception. And now that Thorin lay in the ground too, Fíli was alone. 

The coronation took place five days later. There were flowers and gifts and performers and feasts and dances, to the point where Fíli felt just about ready to throw up. The crown already felt heavy on his temples, and the funeral was still painfully fresh in Fíli's mind, making the festivities far less than enjoyable. He did his duties as best that he could, offering blessings and toasts as was required, but his heart was not in them. All he could think of during the coronation was that his crown was sized to fit Thorin's head and not his own, and all he could think during the feast was that the same dishes had been prepared for the supper following the funeral. Fíli ate little, and retired as early as he could afford to, eager to release himself from the weight of the crown. 

The moon was sinking in the night sky when Fíli finally escaped the dining hall, managing to slip away unnoticed to return to his chambers. When he had shut the door softly behind him, he finally allowed his shoulders and his plastered-on smile to drop. The crown was gone from his head as fast as Fíli could tear it off, and he began pulling the regal garments from his body roughly until he stood in only a linen tunic and breeches, the furs and belts strewn about him haphazardly. His breathing slowed, and he sank down onto the bed that had once belonged to the last king, his great-grandfather. He had been nearly twice Fíli's age when he took the throne. Fíli was young and inexperienced and utterly friendless. 

He was weak. And a weak king would be picked off his throne easily if he did not find strength somehow. 

A sharp knock on the door brought Fíli from his thoughts, and he called "Come in," before he had time to think better of it. The door opened, and in stepped a familiar, hulking figure. "Dwalin, please, come in," Fíli jumped from the bed, quickly gathering the discarded clothing in a frenzied rush, not wishing for Dwalin to see the result of his internal panic. 

"You left in a rush," Dwalin stated gruffly, choosing to stay in the doorway rather than accept Fíli's invitation. "I would have followed your uncle to the edge of Middle Earth and back again, had he asked it of me. He was my king, and my friend." Fíli stilled, straightening to watch Dwalin with an even gaze. He could practically hear the next words: _'I owe you no loyalty.'_ But, what Dwalin said was far from that. "Thorin believed that the line of Durin was strong, even past him. He had faith in you. And now that you're the king... You have friends among you still." 

Fíli inclined his head, thinking back to what Balin had said a few days past. Perhaps he wasn't as alone as he had presumed. "Thank you." 

"You are my king now, as Thorin was before you. You need someone on your side who has seen war, not just one battle, someone who understands the struggle of our people." Dwalin glanced at the bundle in Fíli's arms. "They're already taking bets on how soon you'll fail. Prove them all wrong. Don't fail." With that, Dwalin pushed off the doorframe, and turned away, closing the door behind him. Fíli stayed still, thinking over Dwalin's words in silence. 

"Touching." The voice caused Fíli's blood to run cold. The clothing tumbled from his arms and he turned frantically, until his eyes settled on a shadowed and cloaked figure, who Fíli realized with horror that he had failed to notice. Sickness rose up within him - he was unarmed and unprepared for anything like this. He had thought he would be safe for at least one night after the crown was his. "You have an ally. Too bad, really. Wasted loyalty is quite tragic. I wonder if he'll be loyal to the king after you?" 

Fíli could see the glint of steel in the attacker's hand, and Fíli's breath caught. It was a blade forged by men, but this was no man, this was a dwarf, tall in stature, but aside from that, it was impossible to tell who he was. His cloak covered his head and body, and beneath the hod, a scarf swathed the lower half of his face. 

"What is it that you want?" Fíli searched with his eyes for a weapon of his own, before he realized that the cloaked dwarf had taken them and placed them so that Fíli would have to get through him to obtain them. 

"That's a very broad question," The conversational tone of the cloaked dwarf only added to the chilling fear that Fíli felt enveloped in. "There are quite a lot of things that I want, but I hardly doubt that you'd be able to provide them for me." 

"Ask it of me, and I shall try," Fíli said slowly, wondering if he could make it to the door and call the guard before the cloaked Dwarf's knife found his heart. His eyes must have darted to the door, for the cloaked dwarf let out a harsh laugh.

"Thinking of running? What a fine king you shall make, Fíli, running from every threat that stands in your way." The cloaked dwarf began to advance, and Fili stood his ground, despite his terror.

"What do you want?" Fíli repeated, and finally the dwarf was close enough for Fíli to at least see his eyes. One was a rich, angry dark brown, almost black in the dim candlelight, and the other damaged, the nearby skin marred by three scars that cut down above and below the eye, the eye having been damaged, the pupil torn down, giving the iris a misshapen appearance.

"I want you to pay for your sins," The dwarf's voice was cold and vicious, and yet Fíli sensed something else, some familiar aggression. He knew this dwarf. 

"I have many to pay for," Fíli admitted. "But bloodshed will help nothing." When Fíli's eyes flicked down to see the knife in the dwarf's hand, his blood ran cold. Not because of the knife itself, but because of the hand that held it. It was bare, tanned and calloused, the hand of one familiar with hard labour and the handle of a sword. It was also missing the last two fingers. Fíli's eyes locked once more on the other dwarf's eyes. "I cannot ever think to repent for what I did to you. I have blamed myself every day for your death." The words hung for a moment as the recognition clung to them both. 

"Death would have been merciful," Kíli finally hissed, his fingers tightening around the hilt of his knife. "I would have welcomed death with open arms, but it did not come for me. Kíli's free hand raised and harshly pulled the scarf from his face, and it fluttered to the ground gently. 

Time had changed Kíli. His cheeks were gaunt and his eyes were wild, ringed by dark circles and bloodshot. Most prominent, however, were the three vertical scars that ran down the left side of his face, from his hairline to his jaw, the kiss of the claws of some savage animal. Across his throat, lay a think scar from where a blade had bitten flesh, and Fíli felt his stomach churn at the sight. But Kíli was alive... somewhat. And Fíli couldn't help but feel relief at that. "I'm so sorry," Fíli whispered, staring at the line of what on his neck that was a result of Fíli's own selfishness. 

"I don't care."

Fili looked up just in time to see the candlelight reflect off the steel blade.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even understand what's going on it's okay  
> feedback as per usual is appreciated ((((: 
> 
> ALSO I KEPT ACCIDENTALLY ADDING EXTRA 'L'S ONTO KÍLI AND FÍLI'S NAMES SO IF YOU SEE KÍLILILILILILILI OR WHATEVER FORGIVE ME (it'll probably just be Kílil or something but shhh i can't type)
> 
> ALSO i know that kili's behaviour is incredibly erratic that's the point he's kind of cracked in case you haven't noticed ok keep that in mind for future chapters ;D ok :* this chapter's relatively... weird. i don't even know what i'm saying at this point.

"You won't even fight me?" Kíli's voice spoke of cold disappointment. The knife was held at Fíli's throat, the blade twisting into the top layer of skin, splitting it enough to bring a few crimson beads to the surface. Fíli felt a shiver of pain descend down his spine but he did not flinch. His eyes were locked upon Kíli's staring directly at the torn pupil, reminding himself that that was his fault, and that he therefore had no right to defend himself after the injury he had caused. "You _are_ weak, aren't you?" Kíli spat, his face inches from Fíli's. In a quick, sharp movement, Kíli's hand reached up and grabbed Fíli's hair, pulling his head back roughly to further expose his throat. Fíli gasped for breath but knew better than to fight against Kíli. "I don't know why I'm surprised. I suppose I thought you'd beg and weep for your life. But you're one step below even that, aren't you?" 

Kíli held Fíli's life in his hands. It would be easier than falling asleep for Kíli to part the thin layer of skin that drew the line between lie and death, to give him the a wound to match Kíli's own. And yet Kíli hesitated. Fíli stayed silent and still, watching his brother with fear, but he made no move to escape. "I won't fight you because you're right." Fíli spoke slowly, "You're right to torture me, to kill me, whatever you decide shall be my fate. I have no right to my own life, as it was paid for with yours." For a moment, the blade pressed deeper into Fíli's skin, and he closed his eyes, terrified, but refusing to give in to the urge to scream for help or run away. Another long moment passed, and Kíli let out a low grunt, and lowered the knife, shoving Fíli back in anger. Fíli rubbed his throat with a hand, still wary of Kíli, who's face was contorted in disgust. "Why did you-"

"Because either way, you win. If I let you live, you've overpowered me, but if I kill you... You've given me your permission to do so." Kíli glared at Fíli venomously, and Fíli felt utterly sick. "I want you terrified, I want you to suffer like I did." Fíli stared at the scarred remains of Kíli's face, and wondered if anything remained of the brother he'd known. There had been times, when they were but young children, when Kíli would do or say something in anger that brought the phantom of fear to Fíli's heart, but nothing ever like this. Fíli had heard him utter sick threats, but never follow through with them; this volatile agression was utterly alien, but utterly unsurprising. Kíli had never been afraid to hurt others if those he loved were endangered, but he had never actively sought out conflict as a child. And now, he wanted nothing more than see Fíli in pain and fear, wake and powerless beneath him. 

"But what should it matter what you want, whether you've given permission or not," Kíli muttered on a breath, not even glancing at Fíli, speaking to himself with darting, wide eyes. "It mattered naught to you what I wanted, no, you didn't even consider it, why should I be so concerned with taking from you what you want?" Those dark eyes, bloodshot and tainted with a vicious madness, settled on Fíli again, and once more the knife was at his skin, but this time, it lay across his lips, Kíli's thumb bracing the blade as he grinned at his brother. "Why do you look so upset, brother? I'm alive, you should be overjoyed. Your guilt should be erased in your mind, shouldn't it? Come on, smile for me, show me how happy you are, or I can always make you." The edge of the knife pushed against Fili's lips and he choked back a whimper of terror that nearly slipped past his lips. Kíli was barely making sense, jumping from one thought to the next on a path that Fíli could not follow. 

"I cannot smile," Fíli's lip brushed the sharp steel as he mumbled out the words. He felt his lip snag on the knife, and it didn't take long for the blood to dribble down his chin. "For my brother is dead. Whoever you are... You are not the Kíli that I once knew. You have the same hair, the same eyes, the same voice, but even they have been changed. The Kíli that I knew was unyielding, unapologetic, and passionate, but he was never deliberately cruel." For a moment, Fíli sensed something - a change in the pressure of the knife, perhaps. "I killed that Kíli in order to save myself, a decision that I can neither take back nor forget. I abhor myself for it, and I have lost the trust, respect, and lives of many because of my stupidity. The Kíli I knew, he knew forgiveness, and, while he owes me none, he would have know that such a mistake would weigh heavy on my soul. I betrayed him. I know that, and I hate myself for it. Whoever you are... if you really are Kíli - if there is some semblance of my baby brother left - I am haunted day and night by guilt. I cannot smile at seeing you once more, because, looking at you now, I think even death would have been a kinder fate than that which befell you." 

Silence descended. Fíli's eyes stayed locked on Kíli's; a soft look of sadness from Fíli met with Kíli's defiance and hatred. But Kíli began to tremble. He fought to keep his expression solid, but soon his hand was shaking so much that the knife slipped from his fingers, clattering onto the stone floor with a dull, metallic ring. Fíli let out a long, thin exhale, watching Kíli with concern, unsure if the relief he felt was yet proper. Kíli's turns had been so unpredictable that Fíli had a hard time believing that one blade being dropped meant that no more harm was meant. "Kíli?" Fíli's voice came out as barely more than a hum. 

Fíli had been right in assuming that he was yet still unsafe. With a low, feral growl, Kíli launched himself forwards, tackling Fíli to the ground in one swift movement. Fíli tumbled back, his fall at least somewhat cushioned by the discarded clothing that lay on the floor in a heap. His head, however, was not quite so lucky, and it smacked against the stone floor painfully, bringing tears to his eyes. When the room focused once more, Fíli realized that Kíli was aiming half-hearted blows at his abdomen, but they glanced off weakly, and with each punch, Kíli seemed less and less determined. Fíli pushed himself up onto his elbows, and Kíli's attacks subsided, but he stayed hunched, sitting astride Fíli, his arms limply fallen in front of him. Slowly, Fíli brought himself up into a sitting position, easily within Kíli's reach. But Fíli wasn't afraid, he couldn't be, there was no use for fear. Fear had lost him his brother once, only bravery could bring him back. Gently, Fíli's hand raised, and brushed back a portion of the tangled hair from Kíli's cheek, tucking it behind his ear. His fingers brushed over the rough troughs that had been carved on Kíli's face, and Kíli's eyes darted up, meeting Fíli's. 

Their eyes met, and Fíli felt his stomach turn. Not since Kíli was barely more than a babe had Fíli ever seen his brother look at him with such vulnerability. Kíli had always set his jaw and glared, no matter how scared or angry he was. He had never wished to express anything other than strength. And now, pain and fear was etched into every line of his face, and the familiar sense of guilt that Fíli had felt as he watched his family suffer and fall around him due to his own selfishness hit him and broke as it crashed over him, drowning his senses. In front of him, Kíli's lip trembled almost imperceptibly, but Fíli was close enough to see the damage he had done. "Oh, Kili," Fíli muttered, before pulling Kíli to his chest in an unceremonious gesture, his arms darting around Kíli's waist to cling to the back of his cloak desperately. Instantly, Kíli stiffened, but Fíli held on tightly, and soon enough, Kíli began to relax against him. Fíli felt Kíli's hands come to clutch his upper arms, and his head rested on his shoulder. "It's alright, Kíli, you're safe, it's all going to be alright." Fíli mumbled against Kíli's hair, and he felt Kíli bury his face in the crook of Fíli's neck, just like he used to when they were young children. 

Kíli's tears subsided after a few minutes, but they stayed in that embrace a while longer, until Kíli pulled away, and Fíli had no choice but to let him go. Kíli did, however, listen to Fíli's coaxing, and, half an hour later, Fíli was sat behind a freshly bathed Kíli, who sat on the edge of Fíli's bed. Fíli was drawing a comb through Kíli's tangle of hair, which, Fíli had realized through sight and smell, had not been washed for a rather long time. The same went for the rest of Kíli, and his clothing, and Fíli had insisted they had to go. Kíli had reluctantly accepted some of Fíli's clothing, and hot water for a bath, and he had gone about his business quietly. Fíli was a little confused by it all; the Kíli he had known had been temperamental and unpredictable, but never to such an extent. And now his aggression seemed to have subsided, to the point where he was obedient and seemingly harmless. But Fíli could still feel where the knife had bit into his throat, and he knew that there was no telling if Kíli might once more attack. 

"May I ask you something?" Fíli spoke softly as he drew the comb through Kíli's hair, trying with the utmost care not to tug or pull too violently. Kíli did not respond, but he had given Fíli few words after his attack, so Fíli was not surprised when he was greeted with silence. His hand stilled in Kíli's hair for a moment as he thought of how to word his question. "After... After I ran away, what happened to you? Will you tell me?" 

"No," Kíli answered gruffly, and Fíli frowned, before continuing his grooming. His hands moved tenderly through his brother's hair, and he realized just how long it had gotten in their years apart. When they had seen each other last, it had fallen barely to his shoulders, and now it reached much further, though Fíli could tell from the rough ends that Kíli had cut it before, possibly for convenience, possibly it had been done against his will. Either way, it reached far past his shoulders now, and Fíli set the comb down as he began to braid the locks into one braid down his neck. "I survived. In any way I could. That's all you need to know." 

Fíli's fingers stilled as he finished the braid, before tying it with a small length of leather. "Alright," Fíli said softly. "May I ask you one more thing? You don't have to answer." He asked slowly, moving backwards a bit, away from Kíli. 

"Mm." Kíli let out a noncommittal noise, and Fíli slid around from behind him, moving to put the comb away, his back facing Kíli when he spoke. 

"Are you going to kill me?" 

For a long moment, Kíli stayed silent. "It's possible. I have not yet decided." Fíli turned back around, and looked at Kíli, who's gaze was averted, his fingers fiddling with the hem of the linen tunic Fíli had given him. 

"I will not beg for your forgiveness, but if there is any chance-" 

"It's not about forgiveness," Kíli sneered, looking up at Fíli with a cold malice in his expression. "It's never been about forgiveness. It's about whether or not your death will grant me the revenge I deserve." Fíli glanced down and took a deep breath, trying to quell the fear that was once again rising. No matter how much he knew he deserved death, he still feared it greatly. 

"Well, if you decide in the night to end my life, if that is your decision, please wake me before you do so. I would like to know what you have decided I deserve. " Fíli said with as much calmness as he could muster, before walking to the opposite side of the grand bed to Kíli. Kíli's eyes followed him and finally, Kíli nodded. 

Neither of them slept that night, though they lay facing away from each other in the dark, assuming the other one rested. Fíli's head spun as he thought of his guilt, and how his brother would make up for all he had lost. And Kíli quietly wondered if forgiving his brother his sins constituted a loss or victory.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter demonstrates a few things: 1. i borrow like 90% of my medievalish knowledge from game of thrones 2. i have no idea how trade works i mean i took microeconomics but i have no idea how that shit works 3. don't trust me ever because you think things are okay i can't promise they will be in the end
> 
> yeah so uhm stuff is happening??? kind of???? there will be more developments soon i swear ok thank you for putting up with me :*

Kíli's reintroduction into court was exciting to say the least. Though many of the dwarves of the new kingdom of Erebor had either never met, or didn't remember Kíli, there were still those among them who recalled the hot-tempered young dwarf that they had lost so tragically all those years ago. Kíli's return was met with a flurry of different reactions: there were those who expressed relief, or perhaps jubilation, or those who expressed anger, sadness, even suspicion. Balin had simply bowed when he approached Kíli, before politely wishing him welcome, regarding the dwarf with a mixture of pity and distrust. Dwalin had roughly clapped Kíli on the back, saying nothing, but his eyes spoke of understanding and empathy. After an hour or so, the hustle and bustle had quieted down to a dull roar, and Kíli began to seem more at ease. Fíli kept a close eye on him at all times, cutting off conversations if Kíli began to seem agitated, and making sure that Kíli was never far from his comfort zone. This was a daunting task in and of itself, as simply being around other dwarves seemed to put Kíli on edge. 

At one point, Fíli had asked if this was what Kíli wished to do, or if he'd rather do something else, to which Kíli had simply responded, "Like what?" That had quieted Fíli, who was reluctant to allow Kíli to wander unaccompanied, and he had returned to his initial plan of simply dragging Kíli along with him as he went about his duties, such as listening to the complaints and quarrels of his subjects. Kíli became steadily more engaged in the goings on as time passed, much to Fíli's surprise. At one point, as a minor went on at length about the lack of proper inspection when it came to safety measures, Kíli had even leaned over to Fíli and quietly suggested putting this dwarf in charge of inspections himself if he was so keen. Perhaps because Kíli was right, or perhaps because Fíli was so eager to earn back his approval, Fíli raised a hand to cut off the miner's monologue, before informing him that the duty was now his, and it would come with a sizeable pay raise. The dwarf left, looking very pleased with himself, and Fíli swore that, for a moment, Kíli's lips curled up in satisfaction.

The meeting of the small council of appointed nobles was the last important piece of business for that day, and when Fíli invited Kíli to attend, Kíli accepted immediately, to Fíli's surprise. The council contained Fíli's closest advisors: Balin, Dwalin, Nori, Gloin, and their current guest, a diplomat from the Iron Hills, who had come to negotiate a trade agreement. Most of the meeting was spent discussing tariffs, or if a free market was to be established between the two kingdoms; after an hour of back and forth discussion on the topic, Fíli's head was starting to swim. Fíli was pinching the bridge of his nose and cursing the heavy robes that itched and burned so infuriatingly, when Kíli spoke up, bringing the argument to a standstill. 

"Why not decided upon a monthly- or bi-monthly perhaps- exchange of goods of a certain value, and establish tariffs for imports that pass the initial limit?" Kíli suggested, leaning back in the chair that had been provided for him. Fíli sat up in turn, surveying his brother with curiosity. "Set out a month-by-month plan, as certain goods will be more readily available during certain seasons, and what not," Kíli continued on for a few minutes, to the surprise of all, explaining rather convincingly his plan, which gained the approval (with a few small changes and additions) of the council.

When all had been resolved, and the council had recessed until the next week, Fíli was alone in his solar with Kíli, who was leafing through a small stack of papers that had been left on the table for Fíli. "To say that you're full of surprises would be an understatement." Fíli spoke with a small smile. Kíli glanced up momentarily and shrugged, holding a sheet of parchment with budgeting notes printed in neat calligraphy upon it in his better hand. "Last night you wanted my blood spilled, and now you wish to assist in matters of state."

"I-" Kíli began to speak, but he cut himself off quickly, shaking his head. He set the paper down back upon the stack, and turned to face Fíli, his expression forced into an impassive mask. "By explaining my intentions to you, I place trust in you, something that I'm not yet willing to do." Kíli spoke slowly, as if to quell any emotion that might be threatening to rear its head if provoked. "So you'll have to excuse me if I keep quiet for now." 

Fíli's lips curled down for a moment. It had been years since Fíli had done anything to break Kíli's trust, Fíli found himself thinking bitterly. Since he had arrived, Fíli had shown Kíli nothing but kindness, despite Kíli's attempts at downright _murder_. Still, Fíli found that he had no choice but to let Kíli keep his admittedly confusing plethora of secrets. "Alright. But please respect that I have put my trust in you, though most others would have you sentenced to death for treason if they knew of what you did. This is not a threat, Kíli, but simply something to think about." Fíli spoke kindly, and finally Kíli let out a sigh; he was not convinced, but perhaps less resistant. 

"Maybe that's a testament to your foolish judgement, rather than a reason for me to trust you," Kíli said dryly, leaning against the table. Across from him, Fíli was still seated, his hands clasped before him, resting on the polished mahogany surface at the head of the table. 

"Perhaps. But you chose to spare me, when my life was entirely in your hands." Fíli said with a sigh, growing tired of this dance. "Kíli, you are my brother, and I owe you my life. I have no reason to harm you. My only wish is to protect you and keep you safe, what I have failed to do for forty years. All I ask is that you trust that I mean you no harm. Even- Even then, Kíli, I didn't wish to deliberately hurt you." 

Seconds passed in silence. "I had your life in my hands," Kíli echoed Fíli's earlier words, "I could have done it, but... I realized that it would have brought me no satisfaction. You would simply be, well, dead, and as for seeing you suffer, I-" Kíli looked down sharply, his tone growing tighter, "I believe you have suffered enough." 

Fíli glanced down before pushing his chair back and rising to his feet. Kíli watched him uncertainly. "So what now?" Fíli asked carefully, thinking it best to leave the decision in Kíli's hands. He moved until he was only a few feet from Kíli. 

"Fíli-" Kíli spoke tiredly, closing his eyes. "Fíli, I"m exhausted and- if I'm to be honest with you, I'm lonely, and I just- I just want to go home again." Though Kíli had not yet shared the tale of what had become of him after the attack, it took a fool to not see the damage that had been inflicted. 

"You're home, Kíli, it may not be the old home that you're used to, but this is the closest we're going to get." Kíli's eyes reopened, and he looked up at Fíli sorrowfully. 

"No, Fíli, home is father taking us hunting, and mother laughing at him when he returns empty handed, and the two of us have taken down a hart entirely on our own. Home is Thorin yelling at us for barrelling into him because we were each trying to get to dinner faster than the other. Home is-" 

"That has not been since we lost you, Kíli." Fíli silenced his brother with his dulcet words. "We cannot go back to that, it is no more." 

"I want to," Kíli spoke pleadingly, "More than anything, I want my nightmares to be about being laughed at because you bested me in a sword fight, and my greatest worry to be impressing that pretty lass who worked in the kitchens." 

"Me too." Fíli reached for the hand that Kíli had left curled on the table, and Kíli did not fight when Fíli's hand covered it. It was much larger than the hand he remembered holding when they were boys, and it was rough, too, not simply calloused from work, but scarred and weather-beaten, hands that had seen little kindness. "I wish to return to that too, but we cannot. We can only- we can only keep going, Kíli." 

After they had supped for that night, Fíli returned to his chambers, while Kíli chose to explore the corridors of Erebor. Sensing his need for privacy, Fíli hadn't even offered to accompany Kíli, and had instead returned to where he assumed Kíli would look first if he needed to find him. To Fíli's surprise, a knock sounded on Fíli's door far earlier than he had expected, and he shut the old journal he had been skimming, quickly darting to open the door. The dwarf that greeted him, however, was most definitely not his brother. "Balin," Fíli said with surprise, stepping back to allow the dwarf inside. 

"What are you doing, laddie?" Balin asked with a quiet intensity; Fíli frowned, as Balin did not step inside despite the invitation. 

"To what are you referring?" Fíli responded. 

"We can all see that mark on your neck, Fíli. Your brother is dangerous." Balin spoke tiredly, as if he was trying to explain a rather simple concept to a particularly petulant young child. 

"I am well aware," Fíli insisted, "But he his my brother, and after what happened, I cannot think to blame him for his actions." 

"Fíli, we have just lost one king. Do not have the crown for a day before you lose it and your head." Balin said urgently, "I know of your guilt, Thorin shared it with you and carried it to his grave. But do not let your personal emotions cloud your judgement. Your people need a king, and without you, there is no one." 

"There is Fraer." Fíli said, and Balin sighed; neither of them took notice of a third shadow.

"Fraer is barely out of his swaddling clothes. He cannot rule, there will be unrest, perhaps even civil war." 

"Then we must pray that Kíli will be merciful." Fíli crossed his arms over his chest, and Balin once more sighed. Fíli was nearly as stubborn as his uncle had been, and Balin quickly saw that there was little use in argument. 

"Aye, I suppose we must," With a small bow, Balin turned away, and Fíli slumped tiredly against the door. As he moved to close it, a dark shape blocked his way. 

"Who's Fraer?" Kíli's voice caused Fíli to start. Kíli pushed past him into his room, a slightly accusatory stare finding Fíli's eyes. Fíli shut the door slowly, feeing uneasy, trying to avoid Kíli's gaze as best he could. 

"There was an... agreement between the- without an heir, the line of Durin would-"

"You could just say 'my son,' " Kíli said with a raised eyebrow. Fíli frowned, not entirely liking the empty tone with which Kíli spoke. 

"Yes, he is my son. It was an arranged marriage, but I agreed to it. I knew of the quest to retake Erebor long before it had begun, and I knew of its perils. So I sired an heir long before I left, to ensure the line of succession. It was my duty." 

"How long agin?" Kíli's tone was clipped; Fíli could not tell his intentions. 

"Ten years, give or take a few months." 

"Is he here?" 

"Yes, he had his mother arrived for Thorin's funeral, they had travelled from The Blue Mountains." 

"His mother therefore his the queen." 

"...Yes." 

"I see." Silence descended abruptly. "I want to meet him." 

"I- " Fíli regarded Kíli in silence for a long moment. He looked at the scars, and the hardened expression. He looked at the gaunt cheekbones and the uneven eyes. There was little in his appearance that gave Fíli any sort of reassurance; even clothed in a neat tunic, jerkin, and breeches that Fíli had given him, Kíli looked like a wild beast ready to attack. "I will introduce you to tomorrow." 

Kíli simply nodded and said no more of the matter.

Despite his attempts to convince himself that he was being rather silly, Fíli felt that he had made a mistake in allowing the introduction between his young son and his potentially homicidal younger brother. Fíli and Kíli were sat in the throne room, waiting in silence, until the double doors opened, and two figures emerged. One was a female dwarf, with fiery red hair and freckles, and a beaming smile, and next to her bounded a young dwarf, barely as high as his mother's elbow, with strawberry blonde hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. He had his mother's freckles, and bright green eyes, but everything else about him was his father's, including the smile that graced his small features. 

"Uncle Kíli!" Fraer lept forwards, until he was only a few feet from a rather stunned-looking Kíli. "Mother said that you've been gone a real long time - where were you, did you have lots of adventures? Father told me stories of you, said that you were real brave, and that you used a sword real good!" 

As Kíli seemed a tad lost for words, Fíli quickly cut in to give him some time to think. "Really well, Fraer, not 'real good.' That is not how a prince speaks." 

To Fíli's surprise, Kíli responded kindly, crouching down until he was at Fraer's height, so he could look him in the eye when he spoke. "I had lots of adventures. One day, I got lost, but a pack of wolves took me in, and so I spent much time with them. I tried to play with them, but they played too rough, and that's how I got this." He motioned to the scars on his cheek, and Fraer gasped, already enthralled by Kíli. "The wolves tried to be nice to me, but soon I had to move on, because they didn't know how to play well with dwarves." Kíli continued on, spinning a fantastical story for the enraptured Fraer. He told of death-defying feats, orc attacks, and a rather creative account of how he tricked a particularly ill-tempered bear into performing a one-legged dance rather than eat him.

"Please say you're staying, Uncle Kíli!" Fraer pleaded when Kíli had finished his tale, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "You're far more fun than Father." To Fíli, Kíli's reaction was nothing less than remarkable. He broke into a brilliant smile, a hand raising to gently ruffle Fraer's hair.

"How could I not, with a nephew that seems desperately in need of that missing fun?" Kíli flashed him a wink, and despite everything, Fíli's ease had subsided but not gone away entirely. 

The one who Kíli did not seem to take well to was Fraer's mother, Raya, to whom he spoke little, though she attempted politely to engage him in conversation. Fíli watched his brother's cold disapproval with worry; he took well enough to Fíli's son but seemed to have no intention to see them at all as a family. Not that they truly were; the marriage was political, and Raya and Fíli had little interest in each other. Still, something seemed off, and Fíli's worry plagued him deeply. 

That night, Fíli found himself alone in his chambers, much to his own trepidation. He had thought that Kíli had been right behind him only moments ago. When nad why he had slipped away was a mystery to Fíli. Cursing Kíli, Fíli decided to make sure his son was in bed, if only to quell his own fears. 

When he found his son's bed empty, Fíli stumbled back, a hand coming to his mouth as his stomach dropped painfully. "Fraer!" Fíli cried, running from the room, his weak legs causing him to stumble into the doorframe as he fled the room. _"Fraer!"_

"What is it, Father?" A small, blonde head popped around the corner, and relief flooded Fíli's body. Fíli scooped his son into his arms, planting a long kiss to the top of his head. 

"Where were you?" Fíli asked insistently, pulling back to make sure that Fraer was uninjured.

"Uncle Kíli was showing me what that sharp knife at his hip was for," Fraer said innocently, confused by his father's fussing. Fíli, on the other hand, felt his blood run cold, and he pulled back, looking at his sone almost fearfully. Was Kíli truly sick enough to hurt Fíli through his son?

"What did he show you?" Fíli asked slowly. Fraer's hand reached into his pocket, but what he pulled out was not a knife at all. 

"Uncle Kíli said that knives can hurt people, but they can help them survive, too. And sometimes they can make beautiful things." The small carved dragon that sat in the palm of Fraer's hand was rough, the result of quick work, but it was cleverly crafted and easily recognizable. "He told me to always choose to make beautiful things." A small smile broke on Fíli's lips, and he kissed Fraer's forehead gently. 

"I think its bedtime for you, my prince." Fíli said, and Fraer sighed morosely, but did as he was instructed. As Fíli returned to his chambers, he wondered silently if Kíli had meant for him to go after Fraer.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i have no idea what i'm doing BUT THERE ARE ACTUAL FEELINGS IN THIS CHAPTER OKAY 
> 
> i hope you enjoy  
> please forgive all my mistakes
> 
> there are probably a lot of them
> 
> feedback's always wonderful :*
> 
> also i love writing Fraer o k a y he's so dumb

In the course of the next few days, Fíli noted that Kíli seemed to grow at least somewhat accustomed to life in Erebor. This being said, it was nearly impossible to tell what sort of activities Kíli would enjoy, and which would send him into a rigid state of apparent emotionless panic at the mere suggestion. So, Fíli had left Kíli to his own devices, and Kíli seemed to be finding his own way. In the mornings, he would join Fíli for breakfast, and sit in on a few meetings and matters of state, before wandering off to find Fraer. Fíli had found out from his energetic, bouncing son what Kíli was teaching him - which was a surprise with each new day. One day, it was simple wood carving, the next sword fighting, the next survival skills; Fraer was overjoyed at the attention Kíli paid him, and Kíli always seemed closer to being in what could be described as a decent mood when he left Fraer's company, so Fíli did not attempt to police their interactions. After that, Kíli would return to sup with Fíli, and whomever Fíli had to entertain, before disappearing for hours, until the moon was beginning to sink. Fíli had not thought to offer Kíli another room, and Kíli had not thought to ask; when they when they were children, they had shared one bed to fend off the cold winter nights, and so the tangled limbs and stolen blankets felt comfortably nostalgic. 

Despite the physical closeness they shared at night, Kíli still seemed uncomfortable when Fíli came near. He refused to change his clothing when Fíli's eyes were otherwise unoccupied, and even the slightest brush of Fíli's hand, if Kíli was unaware that it was about to happen, seemed to make Kíli's entire body tense, as if Fíli posed some sort of threat. And yet, as if to only utterly confuse Fíli, Kíli would seek out Fíli's touch, placing a hand on his shoulder or against his back, giving Fíli the most confounding signals. As had become the norm for most of their interactions, Fíli let Kíli do as he pleased, not questioning Kíli's puzzling logic. part of the reason Fíli didn't ask was due to the fact that Fíli knew that if he did so, he would receive an insufficient answer, if he even received any answer at all. After their conversation in Fíli's solar, they had said little more to each other than small talk. Anytime Fíli made to inquire on anything of importance, Kíli seemed to become completely unable of uttering coherent words, and would simply grunt or shrug until Fíli changed the topic. 

Kíli had been at Erebor for just over a week when Fraer asked Fíli if he and Kíli could go hunting together. Fíli had agreed, on the condition that he too was in attendance. Both Kíli and Fraer had easily agreed, and that was the reason that the three of them were in the forest as the first breaths of afternoon sun teased their skin. Fraer ran ahead, his little hands clutching the small bow that Fíli had managed to find for him, the matching quiver of arrows falling from his shoulder as he ran, jumping atop logs and boulders to add to the adventure; his cheeks were already rosy and his hair wild. "He's just like you," Fíli said fondly, many feet back from his son, carrying a pack of supplies rather than hunting weapons. "Or, I should say, he's rather like you used to be." Fíli glanced over at Kíli, entirely expecting to be greeted with the grunt-and-shrug routine he had grown accustomed to. 

"He reminds me more of you," Kíli said with some gruffness that seemed uncharacteristic of the Kíli Fíli had once known, but so familiar to the Kíli of new. "He'll listen to my stories or lessons until he doesn't agree, then he'll go out of his way to tell me how I'm wrong." Kíli snorted. 

"Well, he is my son after all," Fíli said dryly, before sighing. "He has spirit, though, just like you- or just like you used to, anyways. Now you just-" Fíli trailed off, as Kíli averted his gaze. 

"I just what?" Fíli was surprised when Kíli posed the question. 

"You just... You seem as if you've been broken. You used to be the epitome of freedom. You did what you wanted, and didn't owe anyone anything." Fíli's eyes caught up to the breathless Fraer, who was perched like an eagle atop of a rock. "Now, you act as if you're apathetic to your own freedom. Like someone opened the door to your cage, and yet you still sit inside." 

"Oh," was all that Kíli said, and Fíli cursed himself silently for bringing back the monosyllabic Kíli that most likely wouldn't leave for quite some time. 

"Look, I don't want to put you in another of your stoic moods, but I just-" Fíli sighed, unsure of what he even wished to say, "Why won't you talk to me properly, Kíli?" 

"I talk to you," Kíli answered simply, and Fíli supposed that four syllables were better than one. 

"Anytime I bring up something of importance, you shut off," Fíli said with a hint of rather pointed frustration. "You'll discuss the weather, or- or politics, but-" 

"Father, please let me climb that tree, it's safe, I promise!" Fraer called from up ahead, already setting down his bow and quiver, reckless excitement in his eyes. 

"Not to the top," Fíli answered, and Fíli thought he saw Kíli relax at the subject change out of the corner of his eye. "When I say stop, you stop." 

"Okay!" Fraer was already swinging up into the lower branches, his tiny body at ease with the climb. Fíli and Kíli stopped once they reached the tree, Fíli's expression dark with concern as he watched his son. 

"That's high enough," Fíli called to Fraer after a few minutes, but Fraer didn't listen to his father's warning. "Fraer!" 

"Just a bit higher, father, it's safe!" Already Fíli had dropped his pack on the ground, and was in the process of removing his jacket. Kíli watched Fíli curiously, but said nothing. 

"Fraer, stop!" Fíli called, admittedly frightened. Just as he yelled, a sharp crack resounded from overhead. _"Fraer!"_

"Father, help!" Fraer screamed, and Fíli ran to the tree without a second thought. The fact that Fíli couldn't make out Fraer's whereabouts through the foliage only added to Fíli's panic. 

Fíli felt a hand grab his shoulder roughly. "The boughs will not support you," Kíli said, looking around for another plan, but to Fíli, there was no time. 

"He's my son." He said by means of explanation, tossing aside Kíli's hand to scramble up the trunk of the tree, darting through the branches as fast as he could, his feet staying where the wood divided in order to find the strongest footholds. Within seconds, Fraer came into view, his limbs curled tightly around the thinning tree trunk, a cracked branch balancing dangerously beneath where Fíli guessed his feet had once perched. "Fraer," Fíli called to his son, steadying himself in the branches, though they bent precariously under his weight. "I need you to take my hand, and I'll help you down." Fraer looked down with tear-stricken eyes, before nodding solemnly. With trembling hands, he reached for Fíli, who climbed even a step higher to reach his son. 

Carefully, Fraer climbed into Fíli's arms, and Fíli quickly moved him to a sturdier branch to support his weight. His own branch groaned dangerously, but Fíli did not heed its warning. Fraer was his priority. "Can you get down from here on your own?" Fíli asked urgently, and Fraer once more nodded, before beginning to descend more carefully than he had climbed up. Fíli began his own descent as carefully as he could, but Kíli had been right - he could not be supported by the thin appendages of the tree. 

Fíli stepped on the wrong branch, and a thin _snap_ sounded, and Fíli felt his leg give way, the other slipping from its hold. Fíli clutched the tree trunk just as Fraer had, adrenaline shocking his system as his feet dangled madly, seemingly unable o find any sort of support. Fíli's arms began to shake with the effort of holding himself up, and they threatened to loosen their hold. Fíli pressed his cheek into the rough bark, taking a deep breath to try and calm himself. "Fraer!" he called tensely, "Are you safe? Have you reached the ground?" If Fraer was safe, then he had done his duty, then nothing else mattered.

"I'm on the ground, Father, where are you?" Fraer called back, high pitched. 

"He's right here," The voice that spoke was far closer than Fíli expected. "Fíli, put your foot on my shoulder." Fíli's eyes opened, and he looked down to find Kíli's scarred face a few feet below him, his gaze intent. Fíli did as he instructed, his foot finding Kíli's shoulder, and he was able to lower himself down to a thicker branch with difficulty. With trembling fingers, Fíli clambered down the branches and out of the tree, Kíli above him and far more sure of his movements. When Fíli's feet touched the ground, he instantly darted to Fraer, scooping him into his arms to hold him tightly to his chest. 

"Never do that again," Fíli mumbled, burying his face in Fraer's hair. "I was so afraid I would lose you," Fíli pulled back and set Fraer down, gazing at him intently. "Promise me that if I tell you to stop, you'll stop. Always, no matter what." 

"I promise," Fraer mumbled, moving to press his face into his father's chest. 

"And what about you? Promise to listen to me next time I tell you that the tree won't support your weight?" Kíli strode around Fíli and Fraer, turning to face them. 

"When it comes to Fraer, my needs are always secondary," Fíli answered fiercely. Kíli watched him for a long moment in silence, before Fraer pulled away from Fíli ever so slightly to reach an arm back to grasp the front of Kíli's tunic, to pull him into the hug. Surprised, Kíli stumbled forwards, but did as Fraer wished, coming to stand directly behind Fraer as he clung to Fíli. Fíli looked up at his brother expectantly, and, hesitantly, Kíli raised his arms and curled them around Fraer and Fíli, with Fraer sandwiched comfortably between them. Fíli's hand came to rest on Kíli's upper arm, and he looked at Kíli for a long moment, taking in the hardened face that had once been so full of youthful ecstasy. Fíli recalled the vulnerability he had seen the first night that Kíli had come to Erebor, and looking at Kíli's face now, he could almost see again how his eyes had widened and his lips had parted - or maybe he wasn't saying anything, it was just a trick of the light. _'Exhausted,'_ Kíli had said, _'Exhausted and lonely,'_. The gravity of Kíli's words hadn't dawned on Fíli until now, until Kíli had run up that tree to save _him_ despite everything. The branches couldn't hold Kíli any more than they could hold Fíli. 

"Fraer," Fíli said as he moved away from the two figures in front of him. "Maybe we should head back and save the hunt for another day." Fraer only nodded in response. When they had gathered their belongings, Fraer started ahead once more, but with much less of his previous bravado. Fíli and Kíli took the rear, walking in silence for a long while. 

"That was very brave of you," It seemed as if this was the first time Kíli had broken a silence between them. "What you did for Fraer. Stupid, but brave." 

"The two tend to go hand in hand quite often," Fíli said with a dry smile, "And I don't recall your plan to help me being any different." 

"The difference was that I know how to properly scale trees," Kíli answered with a quirked brow. 

"And why's that?" Fíli looked at Kíli, who visibly tensed, and for a moment, Fíli thought he would get nothing out of Kíli, but he found he was wrong. 

"I had to survive in the wild on my own for a long time. I don't know how long - a few weeks at least, but it felt longer. I was lost and I - I lived however I could. There were wolves, and all I had were a few knives to defend myself, so I slept in the trees, and learned to climb them quickly." Kíli spoke evenly, glancing down at the forest floor as his words faded to silence. 

Fíli's eyes traced every line of Kíli's face as he spoke, and when he finished, Fíli stayed silent, noticing the way Kíli clenched the muscles in his jaw involuntarily. 

"You weren't lying when you said that the wolves did that to you," Fíli motioned needlessly to Kíli's cheek, and Kíli nodded. "Can you still see out of that eye?" 

"Light and colour, but I can't make out much with it. I was lucky, really - it could have been both eyes." Kíli said with a small shrug. "I'm used to this by now." 

"You've survived a lot more than an Orc attack and a wolf attack," Fíli's words were gentle and quiet, but their truth seemed to strike Kíli like a whip. 

"Yes," Kíli said, his eyes finding Fraer's head up in front of them, many feet off. 

"I hope that one day you feel that you can share what happened with me," Fíli offered tentatively. 

"Maybe," It was better than a direct 'no'. "There is a lot to tell, but much that is- secret as of yet. I still don't know how much I trust you." 

"Alright," Fíli was tired of hearing those words, though he knew well that he deserved them. 

"Don't look so bitter," Kíli said, with a hint of what could have been amusement. "After that stunt you pulled today saving Fraer- You've changed Fíli, I see that clearly. But I haven't trusted anyone in many years, and I hardly remember what it feels like." 

"Well, whenever you think you're ready to try trusting me, despite the fact that I've given you a new life despite your attempts on mine, just let me know," Fíli grumbled, sounding even more bitter. 

"You know what I mean," Kíli said with an annoyed sigh, looking away from Fíli. 

"No, I don't," Fíli said, exasperated. He stopped walking, and Kíli stopped as well, turning to face Fíli with a look of evident frustration on his features. "You see all the ways I've betrayed you, all the ways I _could_ betray you, and you don't see anything good that I've done. I'm trying to fix what I broke, but I can't do that if you're not willing to let me." 

“I do see the good,” Kíli said, looking up ahead to where Fraer had climbed a boulder up ahead and was standing with his bow, practicing how to hold it as Kíli had taught him. “But these things take time, Fíli. I’ve naught been back ten days, tan days are hardly enough time to change forty years.” 

"Kíli-" Fíli grabbed Kíli's wrist sharply, causing Kíli's gaze to snap back to Fíli. "I've watched everyone I love die. Including you - I watched you die once, and you being alive despite it all- I've realized that we don't have time. Tomorrow, you could decide that you were wrong all along, and take my life, or I could break my neck falling down the stairs- anything could happen and our lives could end in a split second. Maybe we have time, or maybe we don't. I don't know. What I do know, however, is that I need you, Kíli." Fíli's grip tightened on Kíli's wrist. "Please just- try to help me." 

Kíli's eyes darted down to the hand that held his wrist, then once again found Fraer, and for a long moment, Kíli was silent. "We should get back soon, they'll be serving dinner, and we don't want Fraer to miss it." Fíli closed his eyes and nodded, letting his hand slip off Kíli's wrist. 

That night, Kíli came to Fíli's room to retire far earlier than normal. Fíli was still sitting behind his desk, going through a stack of letters addressed to him from various parties wanting various things from him. When Fíli looked up, intending to greet Kíli, he was shocked into the silence by the sight of Kíli changing into his night clothes. Kíli had always been careful to change in private, and, with one look, it was instantly obvious as to why. Deep scars criss-crossed Kíli's back in a haphazard pattern, some of them white and faded, others a smooth pink, darker than Kíli's own skin, and they rose up above the rest, reminders of the worst of the damage. The scars were individual, too - they didn't come from the claws of any beast, these were directly inflicted, one at a time. Fíli set his quill down, studying the map of scars that adorned his brother's back, before the loose linen tunic dropped like a curtain to cover them. 

Slowly, Kíli turned to face Fíli, and Fíli realized that Kíli was _showing_ him.He was trying to trust Fíli, but Fíli had no idea how to properly react. The child Kíli would have wanted sympathy and smothering - he had been so full of melodramatic antics in order to gain attention that it had infuriated Fíli to no end. But this Kíli seemed different - and yet he was still Kíli. Fíli was still trying to piece together who Kíli had become from the snippets Kíli had offered him, but he had established little other than realizing that Kíli was decidedly unstable. 

Fíli thought to the tree. The smile Kíli had given Fraer. _'I'm lonely,'_ The way he had buried his face in Fíli's neck when he cried that first night. 

Fíli rose to his feet and crossed to where Kíli stood, utterly still and statuesque, his skin kissed by candlelight. Fíli placed his hands on either side of Kíli's neck, and leaned up, pressing his lips tenderly to Kíli's forehead. The breath that escaped Kíli's parted lips danced across the hollow of Fíli's throat before he pulled back to meet eyes with Kíli. Fíli felt Kíli's hand come to hold his waist, his other coming to take the front of Fíli's tunic in hand. Kíli's eyes darted to Fíli's lips, his own shimmering and open, inviting. Fíli' knew what Kíli wanted, what he was hinting so desperately at. 

"Kíli, we cannot," Fíli's voice escaped in a breathless whisper, "We are not curious children anymore." 

"Please," Kíli leaned into Fíli, resting his forehead against Fíli's and their noses bumped together gently. "Like we used to. I just want to feel something that isn't fear, or hatred, or pain." 

Fíli knew he would hate himself for it. But his level of self-deprecation was already so high that one kiss could hardly make him feel worse. With as much chastity as he could muster, Fíli leaned forwards, pressing his lips to Kíli's in a loving gesture. As he had expected, Kíli tried to deepen the kiss, but Fíli only pulled away in reaction, despite the pleading noise that followed him. 

"Please, I just want to feel loved, just this once," Kíli's voice sounded simultaneously full of emotion and utterly void of it at the same time.

"You are loved," Fíli responded quietly. "I don't want to be used, Kíli. When we were little we shared a few kisses, but I can give you no more than that."

"Please, Fíli, I just-"

"No, Kíli," Fíli sighed, before pressing one last kiss to Kíli's lower lip. "If you can't even trust me- We are not who we once were." 

"Will you at least hold me tonight?" Kíli's gaze was childlike as he pulled back to scrutinize Fíli's face. 

"Of course." Fíli smiled lovingly in response. 

That night, Fíli fell asleep with Kíli's steady breath against his chest, as he held his baby brother close to him for the first time in years. He found himself beginning to find that, despite all he had lost, maybe he was starting to win something back for once.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG IDK IF ANYONE'S EVEN FOLLOWING THIS FIC ANYMORE BUT I'M SORRY  
> AND THERE ARE PROBABLY A FUCKLOAD OF MISTAKES
> 
> JUST THIS CHAPTER
> 
> I'M SORRY
> 
> I TRIED AND THEREFORE NO ONE SHOULD CRITICIZE ME

When Fíli awoke the next day, Kíli was gone. Had it not been for the the worn grey travel cloak that still hung imply over the back of a chair, Fíli would have assumed that Kíli had left Erebor completely after the night previous. Kíli was not at breakfast, nor did he show up to any of the political meetings and dealings for the day. Fíli occasionally asked around, trying to find someone who had at least seen Kíli that day, but the answer was always 'no' or 'not since yesterday.' The day passed with agonizing slowness as Fíli tried to remain focused on the tasks in front of him, while his mind was consumed by thoughts of his brother. Their conversation the night before kept playing and replaying itself in Fíli's mind, always ending in the kiss, the horrible kiss that had brought a sickness to Fíli's stomach every time he recalled it. Kíli was his _brother_ and just when he thought he was starting to rebuild the ruins of what they had become, he had gone and knocked everything over in a careless moment. 

The one person who had seen Kíli that day was Fraer, who had come to his father with his usual giddy excitement, just as Fíli was finishing sorting through a large stack of letters in his solar. "Father," Fraer burst through the door without knocking, "You'll never guess what Uncle Kíli showed me today!" 

Fíli set down a parchment and turned in his chair to face his madly-grinning son. 'What did he show you?" Fíli asked, despite his immediate desire to know where Kíli was.

"He showed me how to make a fire with that weird stone and a rock and some sticks - I can set them up in a pyramid - Uncle said you do that to make the fire burn safer and you put leaves and dry stuff in the middle to make it light better!" Fraer stopped for breath, and Fíli smiled fondly, remembering how he had Kíli had revered their uncle at such an age, especially Kíli. With his reckless bravery and passion, Kíli had always been Thorin's favourite of the two, probably due to the fact that he had twice the heart that Fíli had. Fíli wasn't bitter about it, per say, but, in his youth, it had saddened him and it had made losing Kíli even harder, knowing that even Thorin most likely wished that he had died in Kíli's place. Thorin had never said as much - and in reality, had never thought as much - but Fíli had watched Thorin lose the spark that had once come to his eye whenever Kíli's laugh had rang through a room. 

"Well, you're not allowed to light any fires inside," Fíli said with a dry grin, and Fraer rolled his eyes. "But that's wonderful, a very useful skill to know. When did you see him?" Fíli asked, unable to keep his curiosity at bay. 

"Just before I came to see you, Father," Fraer smiled brightly. 

"Do you know where he is now?" Fíli asked, a slight urgency colouring his voice. 

"I think he said he was gonna go to the library, but I dunno, I wasn't really listening," Fraer admitted, unabashed. 

"Thank you," Fíli said, already moving to get up. 

"Father," Fraer cut in quickly, with the innocence that can only be held by a child, "Why does uncle Kíli get so sad when I ask him to tell me stories about you?" 

Fíli froze, knowing the exact look to which Fraer was referring. It was the look that Kíli used to get when one of Fíli and his' arguments would go too far, and Fíli would say something particularly insensitive. _Hurt._ Kíli had been many things, but subtle about his emotions was not one of them. Fíli took a deep breath, trying to find words that Fraer could comprehend. 

"I have hurt your Uncle Kíli a lot, and it's difficult for him to think about it," Fíli spoke slowly, and Fraer's brows knitted at his words. "I'm afraid your Uncle Kíli finds it hard to love me very much, but it's my own fault." 

"Oh," Fraer said, looking down in thought for a moment. "Well, Fixe it, 'cause I don't like seeing you _and_ Uncle Kíli always looking so sad. I like him better when he's smiling. And you too." Fraer said with a sincere nod. Fíli smiled in response. 

"I shall try," Fíli answered calmly, "But it's nearly your bed time, should you be washing up?" Fraer sighed, instantly dejected. 

"Fine," Fraer let out a melodramatic sigh, "Good night, Father," Fraer leaned up, and Fíli bent down the rest of the way, so that Fraer could plant a kiss upon his cheek. 

"Good night, my favourite prince," Fíli said, and Fraer glanced up with a grin. 

"I'm the only prince," Fraer called back with a grin, before bounding off. Fíli watched him go, remembering how Kíli had once revelled in being a prince. 

_"Since you'll be king, I'll be a prince forever,"_ he had said, _"So I'll have all the glory and riches, but none of the responsibility,"_ Fíli remembered the way that Kíli's eyes closed as he laughed when Fíli simply rolled his eyes in response. Kíli was still a prince by lineage, Fíli supposed, but he doubted that that would bring Kíli much joy anymore. 

A minute or so after Fraer departed, Fíli too left his rooms, walking swiftly to the library, desperately hoping that Fraer's words would prove true, and that he would find Kíli there. In his youth, Kíli had never had much time for books - in fact, it was nearly impossible to get him to sit still at all - but much had changed, and Fíli supposed that Kíli must have had quite enough excitement for one lifetime. 

Fíli pushed through the oaken double doors to the library, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the dimmer light of a dozen or so flickering candles. The library of Erebor was an impressive sight to behold; the ceiling was a hundred feet up, and to the ceiling rose great wooden shelves, stuffed with leather-bound volumes, all neatly arranged and sorted. Ladders on wheels could be climbed to reach even the topmost shelves, but,t his late, the ladders were utterly still and empty. Fíli stilled, searching in the semi-darkness for his brother. The soft crack of a page turning came to Fíli's attention, and he strode towards the sound, searching until he found Kíli seated between two waist-high stacks of books. In his lap sat a rather worn tome, where Kíli's eyes lingered. 

"Kíli," Kíli started, and closed the book quickly. "I haven't seen you all day," Fíli spoke carefully, not wanting to provoke direct silence from Kíli once more. 

Kíli looked aside, and set the book on one of the piles, turning the spine away from Fíli so he couldn't see the title. Kíli spoke as he rose to his feet, "I was up early, I didn't wish to wake you," Kíli's tone was impassive - the way it got only when he was upset and didn't wish for Fíli to understand about what. 

"Was it because of last night?" Fíli asked quickly, unable to help himself, "Kíli, if it is because of last night, then-" 

"Fíli," Kíli cut in, his tone sharp, "Last night, you proved to me what I had always known about you, but I thought perhaps had changed." The impassiveness had begun to show it's cracks, "You have never thought of anyone but yourself. I needed comfort, I needed that, and you were _the only_ person who could have provided it. Yet you pushed me away because _you_ didn't want to be used," The last words were spoken with a sneer that caused Fíli to flush in shame, "And yet you used Raya, didn't you? So you're a hypocrite, and a self-absorbed one at that. There's nothing in you that I would ever wish to forgive, Fíli." When Kíli finally finished, his cheeks were pink and his hands were balled into fists. 

For a long moment, Fíli was silent, contemplating the truth of Kíli's words. "You're right. I'm- I'm incredibly selfish. You've returned, and I just keep attempting to alleviate my own guilt." Fíli's eyes flicked up to the dark pair that stared piercingly at him, his own settling on the damaged one. "I'm so sorry, Kíli, I just-" 

"You'd risk your life for Fraer," Kíli cut in, beginning to sound almost desperate, "yet you care little for your brother. There must be some good in you, but none of it has been saved for me." 

"No, Kíli, that's not true, I care for you more than I can express," Fíli took a step forwards, reaching for Kíli with one hand, but Kíli shied away, the same look in his eyes as the one that had replayed in Fíli's mind for years - the look that he had gotten when he realized that Fíli would not save him. Kíli saw this all as a betrayal, and Fíli couldn't blame him. "I have done you wrong many times, but I can change that. And last night, - I knew you would hate yourself in the morning, Kíli, you were hurt and you wanted a distraction, but I am the worst person from whom-" 

"You are the only person," Kíli cut in, eyes averting. "We were barely children back then, I remember, but I had seen thirty-seven summers, I knew of what we did and I know of the repercussions. Tell yourself that it was only childish curiosity if that helps you to sleep at night, but it was not, you know it as well as I. And after that - there could be no others. Not for me, at least." Kíli stopped, his jaw set, and his gaze as hard as stone. 

The revelation hung heavy in the dusty, candlelit air for a long moment, and Fíli looked down, unable to face Kíli's penetrating, uneven stare. "There were no others?" 

"There never could be," Kíli aid with a bitter coldness in his voice that spoke of winter nights, alone and staring in the woods, and the bit of steel against skin. 

"Even after all this time," Fíli spoke softly, his voice barely more than a whisper. "Even now-"

"Always," Kíli cut in angrily, "and until the end of time, or Mahal help me find an escape." 

"For forty years..." Fíli trailed off incredulously. 

"For seventy-seven." Fíli's eyes snapped back to Kíli's, to Kíli's angry glare that spoke of many levels of venomous hatred, and yet levels beneath that of fragility and vulnerability. For all the years that had passed, Kíli had still had love in his heart for Fíli. Kíli was the epitome of passion and freedom - at least he had been, with Fíli by his side, but without him, he had turned spiteful and bitter, which had no doubt been aided by his solitary weeks in the wild, and whatever had carved those marks into his back.

"Seventy seven." It had been seventy seven years since Kíli had first emerged into the world, screaming and screaming for hours, his tiny hands balled into fists much like they were now, and his eyes scrunched together painfully. And then Fíli had held him for the first time, and he had started to laugh. It had been seventy seven years since Fílis life had gained a sense of purpose, and forty years since it had been stripped of just that. 

"And, do you know what the worst part is about it all?" Kíli's expression flashed dangerously, and he took a step towards Fíli, his eyes ablaze. "It's that I love you more than I could ever hate you, and I hate you more than anyone or anything in this entire world." Kíli's hand shot out and grasped Fíli's throat - not tightly enough to severely obstruct breathing, but enough to exert control. "You are vile and loathsome, you are selfish, and cowardly, and stupid, and unobservant, and bossy, and arrogant, and loyal, and caring, and thoughtful, and intelligent, and responsible, and loving, and-" Kíli broke off, his voice crowing thin. Cautiously, Fíli raised his own hand, and closed it around Kíli's wrist, his thumb coming to soothingly stoke Kíli's palm. "It was never childish curiosity." Kíli finished harshly. 

"No, it was not," Fíli admitted lamely,, "But it is best to pretend it was." 

"Better for you-" 

"No, better for you," Fíli pulled the hand from his throat and brought it to his lips, gently kissing the rough fingers. "I have never brought you anything but pain."

"That's not true." Kíli's eyes travelled to where his fingers at his brother's lips, his anger beginning to flutter away to expose what lay beneath. "Sometimes, the only thing that would get me through a whipping or a hungry night was the thought that we would be together again." 

"You tried to kill me," Fíli stated dumbly, and Kíli drew his hand back quickly as if burned. 

"What got me through the days were the thought of you paying for what you did," Kíli retorted viciously.

"But you can understand," Fíli said slowly, "Why all of this might be a tad confusing for me." 

"Yes," Kíli pushed bast Fíli, abandoning his stack of books. He kept his back to Fíli, obviously attempting to retain whatever control over his emotions that he could. "Your confusion is understandable."

"So-" Fíli sighed and closed his eyes for a long moment. "So, what do you want from me?" 

"I don't know," Kíli said with a long sigh, "But it's not entirely about you, I hope you realize." 

"What is it about, then?" 

"I lost everything, Fíli," Disgust crept into Kíli's voice as he spoke, "The one person I trusted betrayed me, I lived, if you can call it that, in the woods alone for week, if not months, I was taken by-" Kíli cut off, and shook his head, still not looking at Fíli. "I have seen horrors you cannot imagine, and all of a sudden, I have hot baths and a chance at a new life. Before I can figure out what I want from you, I need to figure out what I need for myself." 

"You need closure," Fíli stated, trying to make sense of it all, "You need to move on." 

"Yes, something like that," Kíli turned and regarded Fíli with an expression that Fíli could not quite read. "I thought your death would bring it, but it would only make you dead." For a moment, Kíli's eyes hovered back to the book that he had been reading when Fíli arrived. "If I could even do it." 

"I do not doubt that you could kill me if you wished to, Kíli," Fíli said, noting how Kíli's gaze snapped back hurriedly. Kíli's lips pursed. 

"I do not doubt that I could try, but you might be surprised," Kíli answered cryptically.

"Of your compassion?" Fíli sounded hopeful, but a barking laugh extinguished any sense of hope. 

"Of the forces at play, Fíli," Kíli began towards the door, not meeting Fíli's questioning look. 

"Kíli," Kíli stopped but did not turn. "Fifty eight," Was all that Fíli said. 

"Fifty eight what?" Fíli closed his eyes, knowing that Kíli's were upon him. 

"Fifty eight years since I fell in love with you." With the admission, Fíli felt as if a weight was gone form his chest, yet an anxiety overcame him as he wondered how Kíli would react. It was impossible to tell what would send him into a fury and what would not. Fíli took a deep breath, and, just as he was about to open his eyes, he felt the gentle tickle of Kíli's breath against his lip before Kíli offered a chaste kiss to Fíli's lower lip. The kiss had none of the desperation Kíli had demonstrated the night previous, and Fíli felt his own lips respond in time, his hand coming to draw up into Kíli's hair, fingers knotting into the mess of brown waves. The kiss gained pace until Fíl pulled back just enough so that their lips wouldn't touch, but their noses brushed, and their foreheads rested together. Fíli's eyes opened to half-mast, and they traced the shine that lay on Kíli's parted lips. "You still kiss the same," Fíli said breathlessly.

"You do not." Kíli said, pulling back. Fíli watched him stride through the door to the library with his back turned, leaving Fíli utterly alone, his body cold where Kíli had been seconds ago. 

When they were younger, the physicality between them had started as chaste touches that had turned slowly more intimate, until they introduced their lips to each other's, and their hands greeted each other's skin with eagerness and growing familiarity. They never spoke of their interactions, even to each other, as if their bodies spoke a different language the the words their tongues formed against their teeth. They only slept together once, and, after that, there had come an unparalleled silence that lasted until Kíli's death. Fíli sharply came back to reality from his thoughts at that one in particular as it crossed his mind. Fíli had considered the old Kíli dead, but under the layers of malice and distrust, the same moody, sensitive, needy child remained - changed, but alive and breathing the same air as Fíli. 

With slow movements, Fíli walked to the abandoned stack of books that Kíli had left, scanning the spines for some cue as to what Kíli was searching for. The books, however, simply took away from Fíli's comprehension; a plethora of subjects were piled one on top of the other, from astronomy to old maps, to the historical influence of the carrot. Either Kíli was losing his mind (entirely possible, Fíli thought), or Fíli was missing something entirely. The last book, however, was something utterly different. It was Elvish - as to which dialect, Fíli was ignorant - and, judging by the crumbling pages and dusty cover, Kíli had been the first to touch the book in centuries - and when did Kíli learn to read Elvish? Carefully, Fíli opened the tome and flipped through the pages, looking for something, anything, that could help him understand what Kíli was looking for. 

At the sight of a marking, Fíli stopped, his heart pounding. He knew what he had seen. With trembling fingers, Fíli hastily flipped back to the black scrawl in the outer margin. Fíli knew that handwriting better than his own, he had read it for eighty years. Thorin had marked this page for Kíli. Fíli read the neat script that ran in a line next to a paragraph in Elvish. 

_'Kíli - "And while the tales have been few, there are those who are slain in battle that do not die, if their soul has been divided. They will exist in a half-life, until the divided soul perishes, or reawakens that which sleeps." '_

Fíli read the text ten times over and ten times again, questions rising to the surface of his mind at a dizzying rate. But one thing soared clear above the confusion, bringing a familiar nausea to Fíli's stomach. 

Thorin had left Erebor before Kíli was even born. 

Thorin had made the notes in the days in Erebor before the battle. 

Thorin had known that Kíli was alive. 

And Thorin had known that he would come for Fíli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> badoom bam motherfuckers.   
> is all i have to say  
> yeah  
> there's a plot thing  
> i know where this is going  
> i actually do for once yay  
> stay tuned  
> feedback would be gr9


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah well   
> this chapter gets a bit happier  
> i'm lulling you into a false sense of security  
> maybe  
> shhhhh

"What do they mean?" Fíli pushed through the door furiously, his anger visible in every step he took, and the blaze that roared in his eyes. Kíli was sat upon his - _their_ \- bed, a whetstone in one hand, and the dagger that had a few weeks past been held to Fíli's throat in the other. "The passage that Thorin marked for you. What does it mean?" 

"Fíli-" Kíli began to stand, putting the dagger and whetstone aside, "I can explain, just-" 

"Please do," Fíli cut in before Kíli could continue. He stopped a few feet away from Kíli, looking up at Kíli with an aggression that was uncharacteristic of him, enough so that Kíli sensed it easily, if his distrustful gaze was anything with which to judge. "All you've given me are half-truths, Kíli. I'm trying to fix things, but it turns out that I don't really know what I'm fixing, or if it's even worth it, do I? I said before that you don't owe me anything, but I've changed my mind. You owe me an explanation - that's it, nothing more. A few words of pure truth. After the years I've spent mourning and trying to repent for what I did, I deserve at least some sort of explanation, after all that I've been through. I know that they are incomparable to whatever horrors you faced, but I am not asking for you to go to the ends of Middle Earth for me, I'm asking for words." Fíli broke off for a moment, gauging Kíli's reaction, which was surprisingly calm. "How many others knew?"

Kíli's lips drew into a thin line, and his eyes dropped as he inhaled patiently. "Just Thorin." 

"How did he find out?" Fíli's eyes stayed locked upon Kíli's face, his gaze ripe with accusation. 

"It's a rather long tale," Kíli looked up, his eyes far softer than Fíli had seen them in years. "Are you sure you wish for me to tell you? Because if I tell you - then I tell you everything." 

Fíli's anger was subsiding, and steadily being replaced by overwhelming surprise. "You'd tell me everything?" 

"You seem resolute." Kíli sighed and sat back down on the bed. He patted the spot next to him, and, after a moment's hesitation, Fíli came to sit next to him. "And you're right, I do owe you an explanation at least. You were alone to deal with the passing of Father, and myself, and then Mother. You have had your fair share of tragedy, and I believe that I can trust you enough to tell you now. Please don't prove me to be wrong. 

"I did die that day. Or, I should have. I felt my throat being parted, I stopped being able to breathe, I was drowning in my own blood, and it all went black. I died. I died watching you run away. Only- I didn't die, did I? I - woke up, if you wish to call it that. I heard voices - Thorin had returned for the dead, and I simply got to my feet and ran. I didn't know what was happening, I wasn't aware of my own actions - if I had been, I would have been running _towards_ Thorin. All I knew was that I should have died that day, but I didn't. I had fought for my life, of course - I lost two fingers trying to pull the blade from my neck with my bare hand - but I knew that I hadn't _survived_. There was something beyond the realm of the easily comprehensible going on, and I was - scared. I was scared. So I ran. I was lost in the woods for weeks. I should have starved many of those nights, but I didn't. I survived anything that came my way, no matter how horrific it was, and how easily it should have killed me. 

"I got out of the woods eventually, days from The Blue Mountains, and I found a town of Men. I thought I was safe then, but-" Kíli closed his eyes for a moment, and Fíli, his anger having entirely subsided as Kíli opened up to him, reached a hand out to rest atop Kíli's. "I was weak and exhausted. As close to death as one can be without being dead, and, I can say from experience that in those moments, there was nothing I wished for more than the relief that death would bring. A slave trader picked me up when I was too weak to put up a fight." Fíli felt his stomach drop sickeningly, and he squeezed the fingers that remained on Kíli's hand. Kíli glanced up at Fíli and offered a weak smile before continuing. "It was mainly children that he took. Children and me. He needed workers for a mine, workers who were small and could fit through small spaces, and you can imagine how I liked that." Fíli couldn't help but let out a dark chuckle at the thought of Kíli pitching a fit. "Once they had given me a little food and water, well, I put up a pretty damn good fight. I tried to run, too, for months I tried to run, but they had their ways of making you stay. 

"The marks on your back," Fíli's brows furrowed, and Kíli tensed involuntarily. "They whipped you." 

"Yes, more times than I can count," Kíli took a deep breath before returning to his tale. "I was at the mine for years, nearly a decade, if I recall correctly. The children died at an almost daily rate, they weren't built for a mine, and accidents were common, but every week, new ones would arrive - always so terrified, trembling, and confused - every week, and soon, they too would be gone. So, one night, after about six kids were killed when a tunnel collapsed, I snuck into one of the supply tents, took a pickaxe, and drove it into the skull of the foreman. I had to take out a few others in the process, of course, but I finally managed to escape for good, and in the chaos, I saw some of the children running away as well, but I know naught of their fate. After that, I went from town to town, doing whatever I could to earn a meal and a roof over my head. I taught myself how to provide for myself. I learned to hunt better, how to defend myself, how to bury everything that had happened to me.

"I met a kindly man in some town to the south, and he took me in if I promised to help him work his land that spring. I ended up living with him for many years - he had a soon who reminded me of you. He was strong willed, and rather bossy in all honesty, but he had a good heart. Life almost seemed to be looking up, and that's when I wrote Thorin. Twenty years passed, perhaps? I begged him not to tell you, because I still blamed you for all that had befallen me. I told him of my death, and asked him to look for answers for me. He was unsuccessful, though we kept correspondence, until Erebor. He sent me a letter by raven that first day, saying he had found a book, and I set out on my journey that very night. A second letter came when I was on the road, detailing what he had found - but I still have twenty years to cover until then.

"After eleven years, I left the farmer and his son, who was soon to be married, and would be taking over the farm. I was reckless, and I was unhappy, though that was to be expected, something I did not entirely understand yet. So I travelled further south. On the road, I was ambushed by outlaws, and, as a result of me having little food or gold, putting up another rather good fight, and having no plans otherwise - not to mention a lot of pent-up anger that I needed to release, I joined them They were perhaps not to most redeemable of men (and two women, I must add,) but they gave me a share of the spoils, didn't ask questions, and to them my ruthlessness came in hand. At first, I thought myself above them and their greed, but I came to realize that I was perhaps even worse than even the worst of them. I didn't do it for the gold, I did it because I craved the power of holding a knife to someone's throat, of having their life in my hand." 

"Like when you first came back," Fíli said slowly, beginning to piece the fragments together. 

"Exactly. When I got Thorin's letter, I left the outlaws. The power - it never brought me happiness, either, though it was the closest I ever got. That's what his second letter began to explain, however. In that book, Thorin said that it detailed tales of two connected beings, whose lives were interdependent." 

"Us?" Fíli asked incredulously, unsure if he thought the idea to be utterly absurd or rather believable, given the circumstances. 

"That was the thought, yes," Kíli frowned slightly, "It's rather - difficult to explain, and, if I'm perfectly honest, I'm not sure I understand entirely myself. How Thorin explained it is that our lives depend on each other. If one of us dies, as I did, the other's life is split on two, so that the first may life. But they live a half-life, so to speak." 

"Both of them? Or just the one?" 

"It's difficult to tell - Thorin's translation was admittedly a bit weak, but I know for a fact that at least one of them experiences this half-life. You never achieve true happiness, or satisfaction, or comfort, or - you just - you just exist, exist in anger and loneliness and anxiousness." 

"Thorin's notes, they said-" 

"The only way for it to end is for the other to take their life or be slain, and they both die, or else they repair what was broken. they heal the soul until it is repaired." 

"How many accounts of this were in that book?" 

"Not many, but enough. Friends, family, lovers, strangers - these bonds aren't specific as to who they lay claim to, and they don't have any other significance than codependent survival." 

"So- between us, our - That's not due to this bond?" Fíli's hand loosened on Kíli's. 

"No." Kíli looked down at their hands, and Fíli took the moment to examine Kíli's face: the sadness and exhaustion was spelled plainly in the contours and colours of his eyes, cheeks, lips, and brows. 

"That's why you were going to kill me. It wasn't entirely about vengeance," when Fíli let go of Kíli's hand entirely, Kíli looked up with furrowed brows, until Kíli gathered Kíli's worn and gaunt frame into his arms, pulling him to his chest. "By killing me, you were finally going to die, after all you had been through." Kíli lay his head against Fíli's shoulder, a curtain of rich, dark hair fanning across Fíli's white linen tunic. "So why didn't you do it?" 

"Because you forgave me for it," Kíli said softly, "And there was that second option, and I thought that maybe we could fix things, and I could have my life back, instead of losing it altogether." 

"But you were ready to die?" Fíli brushed his lips against Kíli's forehead. 

"Yes," Kíli admitted softly, "And no. I thought that I was, but I saw a spark of goodness in you, and I remembered how _I_ used to have goodness in me too, and I thought that maybe I could still be worth something."

"Kíli-" Fíli pulled back so that one hand could raise to Kíli's chin. With two fingers, he turned Kíli's face until Kíli's gaze was locked with his. "I will tell you this now, and tomorrow, and a thousand times, until you are sick of hearing it, then I'll tell you a thousand times more. You are worth something. You've made mistakes, and you've hurt people, and you've been hurt, too - and that doesn't make you weak. And I know that you think that there is nothing left in this world for you, but the truth is that you have me, no matter what. Maybe it's worth nothing to you, but I love you more fiercely that I ever thought possible, and there are no words in any of our languages that I could think to use to describe how important you are to me. And I know you hate me for what I did, but no matter what, no matter if you want me dead, or ripped into a thousand pieces while still alive, you still mean more to me than all the gold and jewels in Erebor. And I do not love you because it's my duty as a brother, I love you for your passion, and your stubbornness, for your laugh, and how grumpy you get in the morning. I love the Kíli that threw a book at my head when I was being an ass, and I love the broken Kíli who will give my son wood carvings and teach him how to light fires, and who doesn't know what he wants. Because they're all you, and to me, you are perfectly imperfect." 

Kíli stayed completely silent for a long moment, staring at Fíli, before he finally spoke, with evident shock. "I felt that. Fíli - I felt that." 

"Felt what?" Fíli's hand dropped from Kíli's chin, but Kíli caught the hand with his own. 

"What you said." Kíli took a deep, shuddering breath, and looked down. "I felt safe. I felt loved. I was almost-"

"Well good, because-"

"I haven't felt like that for over four decades, Fíli," when Kíli looked back up, his eyes were full, "Not since I died." 

"Oh, Kíli, come here," Fíli mumbled as he reached out for Kíli and pulled him flush to his chest once more. "You are safe, and you are so loved, and I'm glad that you can feel it."

"Fíli, it means that the bond might be beginning to repair itself," Kíli's voice was muffled by Fíli's shoulder. 

"No," Fíli said with a smile, "It means that _we're_ beginning to repair it. You and me." 

"I still kind of hate you, you know," Kíli mumbled, and Fíli couldn't help that laughter that spilled from his lips. 

"Completely understandable," Fíli said, pressing a kiss to the top of Kíli's head. "I still kind of hate me too. I guess we'll both have to work on that one. And I'll try to be less of a selfish ass to make it easier on us, shall I?"

"That'd be preferable," Kíli said with a sigh, before clearing his throat and pulling back, tilting his chin up, as if the emotion that had been so overwhelming to him only moments ago had ever existed. "Although I can hardly say that I don't have any personality issues of my own that I need to resolve, especially pertaining to social interactions." 

"Yes, the mood swings can be a bit much at times," Fíli smiled as he spoke, and Kíli rolled his eyes. "I swear I got whiplash once." 

"They're not mood swings, I'm simply reacting to when you're being annoying," Kíli said dryly, giving Fíli a pointed look, complete with a head tilt and raised brows. 

"They're mood swings, Kíli," Fíli swatted playfully at Kíli's nose, which exacted a yelp and a scrunched nose from Kíli in reaction. "You used to get them all the time in extremes, especially when we didn't feed you." 

"Exactly. Reacting when you were being annoying. Not feeding me is being annoying." Kíli sounded so sure of himself that Fíli couldn't help but snort. "I'm not moody, I'm just vocal about my percetpions." 

"Well, that too," the scowl that that earned Fíli simply made him grin. "Oh, come off it, don't get so upset at me. Your unpredictable moods keep things exciting," Kíli responded with what Fíli hoped was a faux-apathetic brow raise. "You feel things deeply. It's always been one of my favourite things about you, even if it also used to make me want to smack you at times. It's because you have a big heart, Kíli." 

"Not anymore," Kíli let out a small sigh, and Fíli brought his hand to rest upon Kíli's shoulder, turning them both until they were face to face.

"Yes, anymore. I've seen you with Fraer, and with me.Just because you've closed your heart off doesn't mean it isn't still there," Fíli offered a smile, but Kíli wasn't looking. His shoulders were hunched and his head hung slightly; Fíli could practically feel Kíli drawing away from him and he frowned, his hand moving to brush back a few loose locks from Kíli's scarred cheek, the backs of his fingers ghosting over Kíli's skin. Kíli looked up then, regarding Fíli with uncertainty. 

"What if this bond cannot be fixed?" Kíli asked quietly, "What if I'm too far gone?" 

"Don't say that," Fíli's hand came to cup Kíli's cheek, his thumb running gently over the bumps and ridges of the dry skin on Kíli's lower lip. "You said that you felt something, didn't you?" 

"Yes, but only for a moment," Kíli mumbled against Fíli's thumb. 

"It's a sign that we're on the right track, then," Fíli's hand slid to hold Kíli's neck, "We'll fix this. Together." 

"And if we can't?" Kíli looked at Fíli almost pleadingly, and Fíli's hand slipped from Kíli's neck. 

"Then we'll end your suffering. And Fraer will take the throne earlier than planned, and Raya will become the queen regent, and life will go on." Fíli spoke calmly, and Kíli relaxed visibly in front of him. 

"You've thought about this, then?" It wasn't truly a question. 

"You came here threatening my life, I had to face the reality that my life might be forfeit. I made arrangements as necessary." 

"Would Raya make a good ruler?" Kíli asked curiously, "If she is to be the queen regent." 

"Yes, she would," Fíli nodded, "She is cunning and strategic, and she's good at far more than being a mother. I do not believe that this is the life she would have chose for herself. I tried initially to include her in political decisions before we departed for Erebor, but Fraer is a handful, and he refuses to listen to anyone other than her or myself, and now you. So she had to return to attending to Fraer." 

"Fraer will make a good king, in time," Kíli mused quietly. "You raised him well." 

"Raya raised him well," Fíli spoke with an ashamed sort of quietness. "I am barely a part of his life." 

"Then change that." Kíli spoke with such simplicity that Fíli was taken aback. "If there's one thing that I have learned from the trials I was subject to, it is that alone, we are weak. Do not take the love that you have for granted, because you never know when you will find yourself alone and without it, wishing that you had someone to tell you that you are strong, and you will make it through." 

Kíli grew quiet, and Fíli stayed still as he thought over what Kíli had just said. "Thank you," he said finally, "I will take your advice to the best of my abilities." He smiled faintly. 

"What about you, then?" Kíli asked, fingers fiddling with a loose thread on the sleeve of his tunic. 

"What about me?" Fíli asked, somewhat surprised by the change of subject. 

"What have you done in the past forty years?" Kíli cocked his head to the side. "Other than Raya." 

Fíli snorted but quickly turned it into a cough. Judging by the look that Kíli gave him, however, his attempts to cover his reaction had been futile at best. "Well, I lived. I spent much time with Thorin, planning the venture to Erebor, helping him lead the people of the Blue Mountains, learning my duties, et cetera. I spent so much of that time dwelling in what once was that I hardly remember much of what actually happened. A plague broke out for a number of years - I remember that. I tended to the sick through the winter months, and went out with the hunting parties in the summer, since the sick couldn't hunt for themselves or their families. I just - I existed. I did what was asked of me, and tried to suppress my grief and guilt." 

"I'm sorry," Kíli said quietly, "I should have come home." 

"No," Fíli shook his head, and then stopped. "I mean - yes, you should have come home, but you did what you thought you had to do at the time. I _should_ have saved you, that's what should have happened. But I didn't. We can only go forwards." 

"I don't know if I can," Kíli took a deep breath, "The past has such control over me-" 

"That's why it's imperative that you let it go," Fíli brought both hands up to hold Kíli's jaw gently. "The past is behind you now. You're safe. And you're loved. Remember?"

"I'll try to," Kíli nodded, before turning his face to kiss Fíli's left palm. Fíli stayed still for a moment, as Kíli's head turned back to how it had been before. 

"Do not take love for granted," Fíli echoed the words that Kíli had said minutes ago, before leaning in and pressing a forceful kiss to Kíli's lips, his eyes squeezing shut as a thousand repercussions were recalled and ignored. Kíli responded in turn, his hands coming to grasp the front of Fíli's tunic to pull him closer, as one of Fíli's hands glided into Kíli's hair, tangling in the ragged mess with ease. 

"Fíli," Kíli mumbled as he pulled back, looking up at Fíli with wide eyes. "Tonight, will you-" Fíli glance down for a moment, assuming he knew what Fíli meant. "Will you just... hold me?" 

Fíli looked back up, a gentle smile tugging at his lips. "Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback is always appreciated  
> apologies that i don't know if queen regent should be capitalized or not  
> also i had fun giving kili a couple of lines of sass


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about this chapter and lateness and just everything I'M SORRY OKAY  
> basically i just needed to clear a few things up  
> show things from kili's perspectives  
> and establish the fact that RAYA IS NOT A BLOODY THREAT OK i get comments like 'no need for raya kili and fili and fraer can be a happy family' and sometimes i just want to say 'STOP NO DON'T TOUCH MY BEAUTIFUL STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER WHO WILL CUT U TO THE BONE K' yeah  
> i'm protective of female characters  
> anyways  
> enjoy????? no one's dead yet i promise  
> maybe
> 
> I'M SORRY IF THERE ARE A LOT OF MISTAKES I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO PROOFREAD but there's an extra 1.5k words so :*

Kíli awoke before Fíli, huddled inside a cocoon of blankets and limbs that were at once stifling and comforting. After a few deep breaths to clear his mind of the initial drowsiness that came with waking, Kíli decided that the 'stifling' aspect had won, and he carefully extracted himself from Fíli's loose hold, his bare feet noiselessly touching the stone floor as he sat up. Casting a glance at the still sleeping Fíli, Kíli stood, taking a minute to straighten the blankets around Fíli's dozing form, before he quietly changed into a beige tunic, rough-spun breeches, a leather jerkin, and a pair of soft leather boots that truly were Fíli's, but Kíli knew that Fíli wouldn't mind. With one last glance at Fíli, Kíli padded to the door, and picked up the old bow and quiver Fíli had found for him in the armoury that he had left by the door, before he slipped through the mahogany door, into the dusky, torch-lit hallway. The door clicked softly after him, and, as soon as the door was shut, Kíli took a deep breath, instantly relaxing now that he was alone. He ran a hand through his knotted hair to tame it as he walked towards the front exit of Erebor, the bow and quiver slung naturally over his back and abdomen. Only a few in the mountain stirred at this early of an hour, but those who did offered Kíli a quaint 'hello,' as he passed, and he nodded back politely in greeting. They still kept their distance, but Kíli had to admit that it was far better than when no one would even meet his eye. Kíli understood their apprehension, to an extent - he was the 'undead' brother of the Kíli, with a lovely set of facial scars, and an often surly disposition. That being said, their fears were relatively unfounded. To a degree. Sort of. 

The fresh air and early morning sunshine that greeted Kíli at the entrance to Erebor brought a small smile to his lips. Dwarves may have been underground creatures, but Kíli had always felt far more at home in the forest, where his movements could be disguised by the tongue of the wind, and he could pass in branches above the ground, unnoticed by any who might be nearby. In the forest, Kíli could _disappear._ In Erebor, there was no place to hide for a few hours, to have calm and peace and solitude. K´li shifted the quiver on his shoulder, and was about to pass through the front gate, when a voice stopped him. "Kíli," Kíli turned sharply, his eyebrows raising when he saw Raya standing just inside the gate, leaning against the smooth, polished stone wall, her gaze on the horizon outside. 

"Yes?" Kíli took a few steps towards her, but stopped a number of feet away. 

Raya looked for a moment as if she was about to speak, but she stopped, finally looking at Kíli with an unplaceable sadness in her eyes. "Do you think you could take Fraer for a few hours when you get back? I have some business to attend to." Kíli could tell easily that that was not why she had initially called him over. 

"Certainly," Kíli said with a nod, "I shouldn't be long. I'll come to your chambers when I return." 

"Fíli always described you as being so happy." Raya offered a sad smile, as she cocked her head to the side every so slightly. "I won't pretend to know the life that you'd lead, but you still have so much time ahead of you. And Fíli loves you more than he'd care to admit, even to himself."

"What are you trying to say?" Kíli's brows drew together in confusion. 

"Every year on the day you were said to have died, he went back to where it happened, and he never returned until the next morning, when he wouldn't speak for hours, or at least until he had seen Thorin. I remember when a dwarf you had quarrelled with in your childhood made a comment about 'good riddance' and Fíli broke his leg and knocked out half of his teeth - and this was twenty years after your death. I know him, Kíli, perhaps not as well as you, but I know him well enough to guess that he will have told you that you need not forgive him - but, Kíli, please, for both of your sakes, and for the sake of my son, forgive him, Kíli, and move on with your lives." 

"Do you love him?" Kíli dodged answering to her demands, albeit in a more accusatory manner than he had intended. 

"Fíli?" Raya smiled faintly. "As much as I can. But, I have never been in love with him, nor has he been in love with me. I did not marry him because I wished to, I married because it was asked of me, and, as a woman, I had no choice. One day I was a shieldmaiden of the Iron Hills, the next day I was shipped of to bear children, with the promise of someday being a queen of a yet unobtained land. We all harbour resentments, Kíli. Do not let them control you. Fíli wants you to be happy. Let yourself be." 

"Raya," Kíli took a deep breath, glancing at the sky to see the first breath of sunlight rising over the trees. "Fíli and I were loves as children. Well - sort of. And 'children' makes it seem like we were too young to know of what we did. We had seen more than thirty summers each, we understood. I doubt that he told you." 

"He did not have to," Raya pushed off the wall and strode pensively out from the cover of the mountain. "I had guessed as much, truly. I lost my sister when I was young, but by the time I met Fíli, her memory had been laid to rest. Your ghost lingered with him day in and day out for forty years." 

"Did you ever tell any of your suspicions?" 

"No, I did not," Raya frowned slightly, "Although I cannot say that I personally agree with an incestuous relationship such as yours, it is not my place to pass judgement or condemn. Are you two involved once more, may I ask?" 

"In the strictest sense, we are not, but that may change." Raya nodded slowly. 

"Although I will not try to stop you and Fíli, Fraer does not have to know about this. He is too young to understand such things, and already his relationship with Fíli is strained. It needs stability, and this would be confusing to him." 

"Of course," Kíli nodded, before pausing, a small smile curling at his lips. "I can see why Fíli agreed to marry you. He wouldn't have if he saw little in you that he could grow to love." 

"And what did he see?" Raya looked back at Kíli with what might have been a smirk, but it was too kind to be described as such. 

"Compassion. And a mind that thinks for itself. And a desire to protect what is important to you." 

"Well, then, I'm beginning to understand why Fíli is so eager to keep you safe." 

"And why is that?" Kíli mirrored what Raya had said, and she laughed pleasantly. 

"Because he is the king, but you speak of him as you might a brother and a friend. And because you are braver than him." Kíli snorted, his gaze dropping. "He thinks before he acts - sometimes a bit too much. He is still brave, but he is cautious. I get the feeling that you are not quite the same in that respect." 

"My recklessness used to be endearing," Kíli said dryly, "In fact, my everything used to be endearing, other than perhaps my temper. Oh how the times have change." Kíli sighed softly. 

"You should try smiling more, it could help you be more endearing. I've heard it does wonders for the face." Raya grinned playfully. 

"I'll keep that in mind," Kíli said, offering a grin in return. "I should start out before it's too late. I'll come to your cambers for Fraer as soon as I'm back." Kíli glanced over his shoulder as he turned to continue into the woods, thinking on what Raya had said, and what Fíli had said of her the night before. Kíli had to admit - he was warming up to her, especially after she established herself as not being a threat to him or Fíli. Not that there was much, if anything, to threaten. 

The edge of the forrest surrounding Erebor loomed closer, and Kíli's steps quickened, hastened by his eagerness to be in the sanctity of the trees. Kíli wandered down the path a ways, before darting into the foliage, making a new trail of his own on flat rocks and breaks in the underbrush. Once he was far enough from the path, Kíli found an old enough tree with lower branches that he scaled easily, resting only once he was so high that climbing further meant snapped branches, and, inevitably, a snapped neck. Kíli sat in the crutch of a branch and the trunk, his legs stretched before him on the limb, his back leaning against the trunk. His bow and quiver sat in his lap, and his fingers fiddled with them absently. 

In his outlaw days - which, if he thought about it, were truly only a month or two behind him - Kíli would perch in much the same way, but in lower branches that overhung the main road, waiting for an unsuspecting merchant or farmer, to whom Kíli would give a rather cold greeting. But being this high, without thinking of robbery, this was far more comfortable, and this was where Kíli would much rather be. In his boyhood, Kíli had climbed many tries just like this when he needed a solitary minute to collect his thoughts. Despite what had been a boisterous and sociable personality, Kíli had needed quite a lot of alone time, especially after he and Fíli had started to become intimate. Kíli's head had become so full of conflicting thoughts that aggressively ensnared his mind, that doing anything else but simply think through them became nearly impossible. So, when Kíli had awoken this morning rather similarly, he had known what had always helped him clear his mind before. 

With the knowledge that his death was not the only means of escape from this half-existance, Kíli had found it increasingly easier to control his often spontaneous bursts of emotion that were, for a long time, unavoidable and devouring, but it was as if a fog was slowly lifting, and Keili was able to see his world with more clarity and without the anger that perpetually had clouded his vision for decades. Admittedly, Kíli still held a lot of anger, but it was no longer so overwhelming that, when the anger had subsided, Kíli felt as if he had been controlled by another being altogether. Kíli was beginning to move on, he supposed, albeit slowly. The scars would never fade, but he would learn to maneuver around them - at least, learn to maneuver better than he had in the past. And he would forgive Fíli - when he was ready. But the thought of doing so made Kíli feel distinctly uncomfortable for a reason that he could not quite place. _'It's because you would lose your power over him,'_ a nagging voice in Kíli's mind made him scowl, _'Once you have forgiven him, he won't need to try to earn your forgiveness, so he won't do do what you want. And you will be utterly powerless. And, with his guilt alleviated, he will forget all about you, or worse, grow to hate you.'_

Kíli took a deep breath and pulled an arrow from his quiver, turning it thoughtfully over in his fingers. HIs eyes drew along the precise contours and sharp angles. Shoot a Warg in the eye with it, and it'd be dead in seconds. And Kíli'd been shot by more of these than he dared to count, yet he lived, despite his wishes at the time. Even now, Kíli couldn't help but wish that his life wouldn't cost Fíli's too, if only because Kíli felt that Fíli was the only loose end that Kíli had left, and killing him seemed too selfish, especially now that Kíli knew that Fraer was in the picture. And as for 'fixing what was broken', Kíli thought that sounded even more foreboding, if not utterly impossible. 

"Kíli?" Out of reflex, the call of his name meant a nocked arrow in the direction of the sound within a split second. 

"Fíli?" Kíli dropped his arms when he saw a familiar blonde head moving beneath the cover of branches. "How long have you been down there?" Quickly, Kíli set the arrow back in the quiver, and slung it and the bow over his shoulder as be began to descend down the tree. 

"A while," Fíli admitted, watching Kíli's climb, "In all honesty, I've only been a few steps behind you." 

"So you've been down here this whole time?" Kíli jumped the rest of the way down, landing nimbly on his feet. When Fíli nodded, Kíli silently cursed himself for being so unobservant. 

"I wanted to give you some time to think." Fíli said, eyeing Kíli with what appeared to be uncertainty. 

"Well, you didn't give me much," Kíli grumbled, "I was going to go hunting, too." 

"Think, not overthink." Fíli hooked his thumbs in his belt, swaying uncomfortably. "And, if I'm honest, I wanted to talk to you." 

"About what?" Kíli eyed Fíli suspiciously, before starting back towards the path. 

"Nothing in particular," Fíli said, following a few feet behind Kíli, "I just... Wanted to talk to you." 

Kíli frowned, but his back faced Kíli. This only fit too well with his 'Fili-only-wants-to-alleviate-his-own-guilt' theory. "You could have waited until I returned." Kíli's own coldness surprised it, but he made no move to apologize. 

"I know," Fíli responded sheepishly, "But I didn't. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come, I guess I just-" 

"Look, I"m not going to give you what you want, alright?" Kíli turned on his heel, glaring icily at Fíli, feeling an all too familiar sense of throat-tightening hurt and betrayal clawing at his mind. 

"And what is it that you think I want," Fíli asked slowly, with his infuriating calmness. 

"You want me to say I forgive you," Kíli said, beginning to raise his voice. "So then you can put all this - and me - behind you, so you can move on with your life. Well, I won't say it," Kíli glared stubbornly, to the point of childishness, at a shocked Fíli, who stood with parted lips and furrowed brows, watching Kíli with confusion etched on his features. 

"I want you to forgive me eventually, and that's partially why I'm here, yes, because I want to do right by you, but I'm also here because I want to spend time with you. And yes, i want to move on - I want us to move on - but I don't want to put you behind me. I want you by my side as long as you'll have me, alright?" Fíli took a few tentative steps towards Kíli, who was still rigid with distrustful animosity. "Please, Kíli, try to trust me?" 

"I can't," Kíli felt himself beginning to tremble against his strongest will. "Who can I? The only person I can trust is myself. There's nothing in me that you would ever want, other than to use me. I've come to terms with that fact." 

"I wish I knew what to say to make you not believe such an atrocious thing," Fíli carefully took one of Kíli's stiff hands in his own, speaking so sincerely that Kíli almost wanted to believe him. "Kíli, please listen to me. I already told you that I'm in love with you, if you want me to repeat all that I said, I will. Safe and loved, remember? I know that after all that's happened, it's hard for you to believe that you deserve love because you've been denied it for so long. But you deserve so much - so much more than I could ever provide. So please, try to accept the bare minimum, which is what I offer, and that is my whole heart." 

Kíli closed his eyes and took a deep breath, wanting to do as Fíli asked, but his own desire for self-preservation held his tongue. When Fíli spoke again, Kíli realized that Fíli had moved closer, and his other hand held Kíli's waist. "I know what you're thinking," Kíli. You're thinking that I'm making this up, that no one could ever love you. Well, I do, and they haven't kicked me off the throne yet, so I can't be that crazy." Kíli reopened his eyes, only to be met with the piercing stare brought by Fíli's own intent but genuine gaze. "You're scared, but you're not alone." Kíli let Fíli snake his arms around his waist, before he hesitated, then curled his own arms around Fíli's neck, burying his face in the safety and security of the crook of Fíli's neck. "you could say that you forgive me right this second, and I wouldn't dream of being done with you. I want to see you laugh again, I want to go hunting with you a hundred times, I want to hear your stories and your dreams and your fears. 

After a moment of silence, Kíli pulled back enough to look Fíli in the eyes, trying to dissect every litle change and flicker in his expression. "I want to believe you," Kíli admitted quietly, "But I find it difficult to believe such things about myself. Difficult, but hopefully not impossible." 

"Kíli..." Fíli sighed, pulling back from their embrace. "If I'm honest, there was another reason that I followed you this morning. But it's back in Erebor, if you'll indulge me." Fíli looked at Kíli with what could have been anxiousness, and, with a small sigh, Kíli gave in. 

"Fine. I don't suppose I'll be getting any hunting done this morning anyways," Kíli started after Fíli, who took the lead on the silent journey back. The sun was up by the time they made it back to the front gates, and Kíli realized that he was beginning to feel rather famished, having neglected eating breakfast, but he pushed the thought from his mind, admittedly more curious as to what Fíli wished to show him.

"It's down this way," Fíli said once they were back inside, going much the same route as he would normally take to go to his own chambers. But, at the final hallway, instead of turning left, he turned right, leading Kíli down a smaller hallway, stopping at a door that was less than a minute's walk from his own. Fíli pulled a wrought iron key from a fold in his coat, and unlocked the door, before standing back. "Open it," Fíli said with a shy smile. 

Kíli took a tentative step forwards, and opened the door cautiously. The sight that met his eyes made his stomach drop. Inside was a spacious room, much like many of the other chambers in Erebor, with smooth stone walls and high ceilings. But this room had been made cozier somehow - there were warm coloured tapestries across some of the wall space, and a couple of overstuffed armchairs sat near a fireplace. There was a beautifully carved writing desk on one wall, and a matching dresser next to it. There was no bed, but an inviting crimson couch, nearly the size of a bed, lay in the middle of the room. Atop the couch lay a few of things, which Kíli approached carefully. He picked up an exquisite longsword, double edged, in a steel sheath, which was inlaid with gemstones the size of a fingernail each. Next to it lay a rosewood bow, more elegant than any bow Kíli had ever used before. He picked it up, admiring how light it felt in his hand, and how perfect the balance was, when Fíli spoke again, still standing in the doorway. 

"I wanted you to have a place where you could go if you wanted time to yourself. You're a prince, you deserve a prince's chambers. Not to mention, a couple of gifts worthy of a prince." Fíli's voice stayed calm, but Kíli could read the apprehension without even having to turn back to look at him once more.

"A prince's chambers?" Kíli asked coyly, glancing over his shoulder back at Fíli, "There's no bed."

"Well, quite honestly, I was hoping you would still stay with me. Unless you'd like a bed, that can be easily arranged," Fíli spoke quickly, and Kíli smiled slightly, setting the bow down. "It's completely up to you."

"Then I'll stay with you," Kíli turned to face Fíli, still somewhat taken aback by the luxuriousness of the room. "When did you have time to do any of this?" 

"I had spare moments here and there. And Raya helped." Fíli paused. "Do you like it?" 

"Yes, it's lovely," Kíli forced a somewhat bigger smile, trying to quell his ever present doubts. "But - why?" 

"I guess I just..." Fíli took a deep breath, looking away from Kíli as he was prone to do whenever he felt as if he was under scrutiny. "I want you to be happy and comfortable. I want you to a have a place that will help you feel a bit more at home here, and I want you to have weapons again, I just - I'm trying to do anything I can think of to make you happy once more." 

"Thank you," Kíli tried to sound kind, but realized he sounded more strangled. "But this truly isn't necessary-" 

"You don't want it?" Fíli looked panicked, and Kíli cringed internally. 

"No, I do," Kíli cut in quickly, "But you didn't have to do all this for me-" 

"Kíli," Fíli cut him off, "I did it because I wanted to, not because I had to, alright?" 

"Well, uhm, thank you," Kíli said again, feeling rather guilty for his inability to properly show his gratitude. He did appreciate it, truly, but all he felt was that same overwhelming emptiness that he knew so well. 

"Kíli," Fíli began tentatively, and Kíli looked up attentively, hoping Fíli wasn't dwelling on Kíli's outward seeming apathy. "I told you before that I'm in love with you, and you said the same about me. For many reasons I believe you already grasp, we cannot advertise this. But I think we could form an arrangement-" 

"Form an arrangement, listen to you," Kíli scoffed, shaking his head. "You sound as if you've lost your soul, too." 

Fíli finally looked back up at Kíli with an uncharacteristically sorrowful gaze. "I honestly think that I did. It all makes sense - I attributed it to grief, but the way you described it, it fits too well. I remember the day that Fraer was born - I wanted to be so happy, but all I could think of was how I had held you the same way when you were first born, and I became suddenly terrified that Fraer would die the same way." 

"Oh," Was all Kíli said for a long moment, unsure of what the adequate response was. "So this 'arrangement'-" 

"Kíli, I love you, I just want there to be something between us, that's all," Fíli sighed, and Kíli nodded slowly, "The things I said before- I shouldn't have said them."

"Then why did you?" Kíli said accusingly. 

"Because I was afraid," When Kíli raised a brow, Fíli flinched. "I was afraid of you. I've never let anyone have as much power over me as you do. You've always had that power, and you always will. And I can't fear that any longer. Because if I do, then I lose you, and that's not a prince I'm willing to pay." 

"So you want what exactly?" Kíli asked uncertainly. 

"You," Fíli said simply, "Whatever you'll give me." 

Kíli opened his mouth to speak, but right at that moment, there was a clatter of boots on stone, and Raya tumbled through the doorway, her eyes wild. 

"Fíli - Kíli - It's Fraer." She straightened, leaning a hand on the doorframe, breathing heavily. "He's gone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that line where fili's like "i don't want to put you behind me" i almost changed that cause it made me giggle shh fili we all know u want kili right behind you unf bb   
> ok i'll stop
> 
> feedback is always appreciated!!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a really fun happy happy chapter full of love and sunshine and bunnies!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> it's a little shorter though but yeah there are reasons for that
> 
> feedback is always appreciated ((((((((((((((((((((:

"Raya, Fíli, you take the East half, I'll take the West - Raya, where have you already looked?" Kíli was surprised at his own calmness, given the situation. Raya looked absolutely terrified, her red hair windswept and her cheeks pink from exertion. Fíli too had gained a franticness to his poise, and for that reason, Kíli knew it was his job to take charge, else Raya and Fíli would simply feed off of each other's panic.

"I looked everywhere I thought of - kitchens, stables, armoury, I even checked the mines, and they had not seen him," Raya said breathlessly.

"Alright, well, Fíli, Raya, check the throne room, banquet hall, anywhere you can think of at all to the east. I'll check the treasury, storage rooms, and you two look outside as well- we'll find the other if we find him." Kíli said with the authority that only comes with not knowing what one's doing. 

Raya and Fíli nodded quickly, however, before darting out of the room, Kíli close behind them. They nodded to each other as they went their separate ways, Fíli and Raya turning right, and Kíli left. Although Kíli's gait was quick and his search thorough, he wasn't particularly worried about Fraer. There had been many frantic searches such as this one for Kíli in his boyhood, and more often than not Fíli would be the one to find him where he was sat in one of his favourite haunts, in a tall tree or on top of a roof, somewhere high and hidden. Kíli imagined Fraer was somewhere similar, playing by himself, and, if he wasn't found, he would return on his own in time for dinner, just as Kíli used to. 

Kíli jogged down the corridors nonetheless, sticking his head through doorways and calling Fraer's name, with far less anxiousness than he suspected his brother had. But Fraer was nowhere to be found. Kíli's jog slowed to a walk as he reached the last few yet unchecked rooms on the Western half, which, as he had suspected, did not hold Fraer. Without much more thought, Kíli began back towards the room Fíli had allocated for him, deciding that Fíli as most likely to look there first if he was searching for Kíli. Kíli realized just how long he had been looking as he retraced his steps, finally returning to his room after nearly an hour had passed. 

Kíli had been right - the room was the first place that he was looked for in, but not by Fíli. It was Raya who once more swept through the door, only moments after Kíli's own return. "Kíli-" Raya spoke with urgency and disarray, which had Kíli back on his feet in a split second. "We found Fraer - but Fíli's gone after him, and the rocks - I need your help." 

Without a moment's hesitation, Kíli was running alongside Raya as she lead him outside, up a series of narrow paths, to a dangerous set of rocks that stretched nearly a mile up and down and half a mile across, each rock perched precariously against the next, looking teasingly ready to tumble if even a songbird decided to rest its wings and land upon one. In the midst of the rocks sat a trembling boy, ruddy knees drawn to his chest, cheeks and eyes pink from fear. It only took a moment for Kíli to find Fíli amidst the stones, climbing cautiously. _'But not cautiously enough,'_ Kíli thought, frowning. "What happened?" Kíli asked Raya, eyeing the mountain side with unease. The steep slope turned the stones into an volatile death trap. 

"Fraer was playing when som of the rocks began to move, and now he's too scared to come back," Raya said, brows furrowed and hands fidgeting. "Fíli had to go after him." 

"You did the right thing in staying back," Kíli said gravely, easily sensing the source of her unrest. "If Fíli falls, we'll need someone to go for help." Raya didn't seem satisfied with Kíli's reasoning, but she nodded anyways. 

Fíli's movements were careful but hurried. He wanted to reach Fraer, that much was obvious, but the desire made him reckless, and Kíli frowned at this. He himself was not the most thoughtful when it came to such situations, but he could not die, so he had that as an excuse. Even if he could die, however, he knew he would have reacted just as rashly as Fíli did, and yet he still felt a deep anger at Fíli's stupidity. Next to him, Raya flinched, as Fíli's boot caught a loose stone and sent it flying down the mountain. 

As Fíli's hands brushed over each rock, Kíli's breath hitched in his throat. Fíli was growing sloppier and sloppier, putting his weight on the wrong stones, and paying no mind to his footing, his eyes always locked upon Fraer. He was close now, perhaps fifty feet back from where his son sat quivering - _'He could afford to go far slower than that.'_

Kíli saw the moment play out in his mind a split second before it happened, a strangled sound escaping his lips before anything truly occurred. It all happened at once. Kíli darted forwards as Fíli stepped upon an untrustworthy rock, which gave way beneath him. The first rock began to tumble down the mountainside, then the second, the fifth, the tenth, and soon the air was full of dust and the thunderous cacophony of the stampeding boulders mingled with Raya's anguished screams for her son. And then, within seconds, the mountain was calm more more, as if nothing had happened at all. A cloud of grey dust hung thickly over the stilled rocks, mocking in their quietness. Raya ran to the rocks before Kíli had time to comprehend the event that had just transpired. 

"Raya, no-" Kíli grabbed her shoulder and she whirled around furiously.

"Do not act as if you have any right to tell me not to go after my son," Raya snarled angrily, "when you and I both know that you have every intention of going after Fíli." 

Kíli was silenced for a moment by the realization that she was correct in her assumption. "Go back inside and call the guards. Let them go after Fraer." When she opened her mouth to protest, Kíli cut in. "You could fall, too, and you are the queen. It was already stupid for Fíli to attempt to save Fraer on his own. If all three of you perish, Erebor has no one." 

"As if this is about politics," Raya sneered. "Why don't you stay back? You're a prince in the line of succession." 

"I'm nobody," Kíli shook his head, "Don't do this, Raya, you know I'm right. Get the guards." They locked eyes for a long moment before Raya turned on her heel, running back down the path the way they had come. Kíli's eyes turned back to the mountainside, and he took a deep breath. The air in his lungs whispered that Fíli was still alive, but due to the silence, Kíli could tell that Fíli had not escaped unharmed. 

The years in the mines had been far more treacherous when it came to navigating unstable terrain, and Kíli found himself darting over the rocks with an ease that surprised and even sickened him. "Fíli? Fraer?" Kíli called out, but there was no response. Kíli continued to descend downwards, keeping his eyes alter for the tell-tale traces of blonde or linen which might divulge one of their locations. "Fíli!" Kíli felt a sudden weakness overcome him, and his stance gave way and he fell, his forearm scraping painfully over one of the rocks, and his vision clouded for a moment. He pushed himself up despite the weakness, noting with vague repulsion that one of the rocks was now slick with blood where his arm and hit it. His forearm throbbed, but he ignored the pain, stumbling further down the stones, which blurred in front of his eyes. "Fíli?" His own voice sounded muffled and weak, though he was sure he had shouted. 

"Kíli," Kíli clambered to the voice as quickly as he could, finding the tuft of cloak, then the hand, then finally the face, half covered in still flowing blood, eyes barely open and lips parted helplessly, "Kíli, I'm so sorry, I guess we won't have a chance to fix things. But this way you'll be free, this way it won't be on your hands, you'll finally escape." 

"No," Kíli heard himself saying, searching the scene frantically to gain as many details as he could. There was a rather stubborn looking boulder atop Fíli's leg, but other than that, there seemed to be no present danger, other than Fíli's head wound, and the way his shoulder was bent at a sickening angle. "We're going to get you out of here, and you'll be fine, do you hear me?" 

Fíli's hand grasped Kíli's wrist loosely, and he tried to smile. "You don't need to save me, I'm not worth it. It was an accident, it happened naturally- Raya will be a good queen, you'll see, Fraer will rule in time..." Fíli's words were nonsensical and Kíli frowned. 

"I don't give a damn what you want," Kíli growled, feeling a new passion surge through him, one he hadn't felt in years. "You're going to live - we're going to live, and we're going to move on, and we're going to go hunting together and get lost in the woods again, and we're going to bicker about political decisions, and we're going to sneak out at feasts to lie under the stars together and laugh at the stupid things we overheard people saying, because I said we're going to, and you're going to bloody well do as I say because you owe me." 

Fíli's soft laugh turned into a cough, and blood escaped his lips, trickling from the corner of his lips. "I cannot make any promises, Kíli." 

 

"Yes, you can. I will move that rock - and you promise you will hold on." 

"Kíli-" Fíli sighed. 

"Promise me," Kíli gave Fíli a hard stare, his eyes ablaze despite the weakened state that he refused to let Fíli become aware of. 

"I promise." Fíli said finally, and Kíli immediately moved to where the rock lay, examining its positioning with furrowed brows, willing his gaze to focus and his head to clear. "But if I can't-" 

"Shut up," Kíli snapped, placing his feet against a sturdy rock, his arms finding a good place for leverage. "When I push, you need to pull your leg out, I can only hold this for so long." 

"Alright," Fíli nodded in agreement, but he lacked Kíli's faith.

"On three. Three - Two - " Kíli heaved as hard as he could, and the rock moved an inch, and then two. His jaw was clenched and his arms shook from the strain when he yelled, "Pull, damn it!" Kíli felt something shift beneath the rock, and before he could stop it, the boulder tumbled back into place. Kíli let out a long breath of relief when he saw that Fíli's leg had been safely freed, and it lay to the side of the stone.

A pang of pain cut through Kíli's head, blurring his vision once more, with more fierceness, and he cried out, a hand coming to his temple. His eyes once more found Fíli, and his stomach dropped. "No, no, Mahal, no, please," Kíli mumbled, stumbling to where Fíli lay, jaw slack and eyes closed. Kíli's hand fumbled for his wrist, fingers searching desperately for a pulse beneath his skin. When he realized his fingers were trembling too severely to find a pulse, Kíli swore and dropped Fíli's wrist. "If I'm alive, you're alive," he muttered more to himself than to Kíli, looking around frantically, only to be reminded of just how isolated they were this far down the mountain. "After all this, you're not going to die on me, not now." 

Kíli took a deep breath, realizing what he had to do - or at least try to do. "You owe me for this. I should be keeping track," Kíli grumbled under his breath, crouching down by Fíli. It took a great deal of maneuvering, but after a few minutes of struggle, Kíli finally managed to hoist Fíli's limp form over his shoulder as he stayed crouched on the rocks. Standing was another matter entirely - it took Kíli four tries to get to his feet, and walking was painstakingly slow, each step exhausting in and of itself. Kíli focused his mind on putting one foot in front of the other, then again, and again, his eyes drilling down into the rocks below him. He willed himself to ignore Fíli's trying weight, not to mention the throbbing pain in his temples and behind his eyes that tried to hold him back. But he did not let it, not for a moment. 

"Kíli? Kíli!" Kíli didn't know how long it had been - hours, maybe? It couldn't have been hours, the sun was still high overhead - when Kíli heard Raya's voice, urgent and perhaps even frightened. Kíli's feet somehow made it over the last ridge of stone before he fell to his knees, utterly unable to carry Fíli any further. Raya was at Kíli's side in an instant, helping to lay Fíli's broken body upon the grass. Kíli could faintly make out other voices in the distance - the guards, he presumed - but their words were lost to Kíli in his senseless state. "Is he alive?" Raya's voice managed to make its way into Kíli's mind.

"I don't know," Kíli said quickly, crawling until he found Fíli's face, which was still coated in a layer of cracking dried blood, a few loose locks of hair stuck to his forehead. "Fíli," Kíli muttered dully, prodding at his chest with a finger. "Come on, Fíli, you have to wake up, we need you," Kíli's words were becoming slurred as he shook Fíli's uninjured shoulder, and Fíli's head lolled to the side limply. "Fíli, please, _I_ need you," Kíli could feel his voice shaking, and his vision darkened even more. He slumped forwards, his forehead coming to rest against Fíli's frighteningly cool brow. "Please, Fíli, I love you, don't leave me again, I don't want to die, I'm scared," Kíli's voice was a hoarse whisper, and Kíli couldn't even hear himself, his senses were so thick. "Fíli, please," Kíli felt his breath shudder as it entered his lungs, and he shut his eyes tightly, feeling the hot sting of tears behind his eyelids. He pressed his lips together, willing himself not to weep, but still the tears came unbidden, escaping his eyes and falling onto Fíli's bloodstained cheeks. 

Kíli struggled to take a breath, and the next came even thinner still. His fingers clutched weakly at the front of Fíli's tunic as he felt them both begin to slip away with terrifying brevity. "No, no," Kíli mumbled with the last of the air he felt he had left in him. "I want to live, I want to live with you.

You promised."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahHAHAHAHAHAHhahaha aha ha ha 
> 
> sorry
> 
> no i'm not


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken so long! my life took a turn for the busy but finally I managed to find a time to actually get this finished! i hope you've enjoyed the ride so far, and thanks for following along! 
> 
> i just wanted to give a special thanks to some of the people who've been following along for almost every chapter and have been giving me feedback, it means so much you have no idea, so thank you so much to dothraki_shieldmaiden, ThornyHedge, Ashe (putting Fili seems so unspecific...) and everyone else who's followed along, i'm sorry if i forgot to mention you here but know I appreciate it <3

Candlelight could make a room only so bright, yet when Fíli opened his eyes, he found the dim glow to be nearly blinding. His brows furrowed in discomfort and he blinked rapidly, the blobs and blurs of colour above him slowly solidifying into concise shapes that he could recognize. The canopy of the bed above him was one of them, the lush red of the dyed sheets, the evergreen-hued tapestries that Fíli had honestly never cared for but had kept up for tradition's sake. Fíli turned his head with effort, his gaze turning to the shadows to his left, shadows that were significantly less blinding, and he let his gaze rest for a moment of comfortable quiet. Fíli's eyes ran over the shape that he found in the shadows: the dark halo of hair spread about the pillow next to his, the one hand resting inches from lips parted in innocent sleep. Eyes closed, Kíli lay peacefully - disquietingly peacefully, his dark lashes shadowing the bags under his eyes. With a timid slowness and chasteness to his movements, Fíli reached his hand out to lay atop the one that had fallen next to Kíli's face. Fíli's fingers gently laced with Kíli's, whose were cool to the touch, and utterly still. Fíli watched the way that Kíli's chest rose and fell, his breathes deep and reassuringly present. 

"He wouldn't leave your side, you know," The voice made Fíli tense, and he turned his head back to the open side of the room, letting go of Kíli's hand as not to wake him. Fíli's eyes found the figure seated inconspicuously next to the door, so familiar and recognizable that Fíli was unsure how he had missed him. 

"Balin," Kíli said in greeting, moving to sit up. After pain shot up his leg at his first attempt, he realized that it would be a far more trying task than he had first suspected. "What are you doing here?" 

"Waiting for you to wake up, laddie," He offered a small, fond smile, before he rose from his chair. 

"What happened?" Fíli asked, before a second unsuccessful attempt at sitting up. 

"You hit your head on the rocks going after Fraer, and Kíli carried you to safety," Balin said, glancing at the sleeping body next to Fíli. "You were badly hurt, your head was badly damaged, and your leg and shoulder, of course. You were unconscious for quite some time, and so was Kíli. We thought we were going to lose you both, but then Kíli awoke, and insisted on seeing you. Once the heelers said that they could do no more for you, he insisted that he try, and he's been tending to you since. This is the first time I've seen him sleep since he came to." 

"How long has it been?" Fíli inquired, raising his good hand to feel the bandages on his forehead. 

"Four days," Balin answered with a small sigh, "Five since the accident." 

"And Fraer?" Fíli voiced the question that he had been almost too afraid to pose. 

"It's-" Balin gave Fíli a sad, apologetic half-smile. "Perhaps we should talk about it once you've had some time to wake up. I don't know if you're ready to hear just yet, Fíli." 

"What does that mean?" Fíli asked, panic beginning to ascend from his stomach to his throat. 

"It means he's alive," Balin said tiredly, "but he was unlucky. I'll take you to see him when you're able. But, until then, you need to rest. Your leg is broken, you won't be able to see him until it's healed." 

"I've rested for five days," Fíli said, growing frustrated. "At least tell me what has become of him." 

"They do not think he will ever walk again," Balin said slowly, and Fíli felt his stomach drop sickening. 

"What? Why?" Fíli stared wide-eyed at Balin, but the look was empty and unfocused. 

"A boulder crushed his spine," Balin shook his head mournfully. "He is lucky to be alive. As are you." 

"But he is alive, and Kíli is alive," Fíli spoke breathlessly. Despite his horror at his son's state, he could help but feel somewhat relieved. 

"Yes, everyone is alive," Balin said with a long sigh. "Broken, but alive." 

"Broken's better than destroyed," Fíli said, looking back at Kíli with a small frown. He gently placed a hand on his head, running it through the long, tangled locks gently. "We'll all find a way to survive with a few missing pieces." 

"Aye, well, we can only hope you're right, Master Fíli," Balin said with a nod. As soon as Balin had finished speaking, Fíli realized that Kíli had let out a small noise, and was shifting against the hand on his head. 

"I think Kíli's waking - " Fíli glanced over at Balin with a friendly expression. "Would you mind giving us a moment?" 

"Of course," Balin answered kindly, moving to the door. "I shall return in an hour with your supper." 

Fíli hadn't realized his hunger until Balin mentioned supper, but his hunger quickly became secondary to his need to see and speak to the dwarf who was stirring next to him. Fíli looked down with furrowed brows to Kíli, who had rolled away from Fíli onto his back, and was rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands. The door clicked close, and Fíli paused a split second before speaking. "You're awake." 

Kíli pulled himself into a seated position, his gaze coming to focus on Fíli after a moment. "Yes," he responded dryly but not humourlessly, "What a brilliant observation, I am awake, thank you for noticing." 

Fíli rolled his eyes. Kíli had always been grumpy in the mornings, but lately he had simply been silent. "Balin said you never left my side." Fíli said, searching Kíli's face intently. 

"Yes, well," Kíli glanced down. "When I awoke, I realized that it meant that you were still alive, and that was hope. And when hope is all you have left, you cling to it. How's the leg?"

Something seemed different - less brooding, more casual - in Kíli's tone that gave Fíli pause, but he disregarded it. "It hurts, but not terribly so. It will heal in time." 

"Aye," Kíli said, glancing for a brief second to where the leg lay, covered by blankets. "It will." 

"This is the third time you've saved my life now," Fíli said, a small smile he couldn't help coming to his lips. 

"I should start charging you a fee," Kíli said with a grin, "with your carelessness, I could make a small fortune." 

"You shouldn't have come after me," Fíli said, his smile turning quickly to a small, disapproving frown. "You could have died."

Kíli eyed him with a look that suggested Kíli to be disbelieving of his stupidity. "Either way, I was dead, Fíli. Stop trying to mother me." 

Fíli opened his mouth to retort, but promptly closed it when he realized that Kíli was ultimately right. Upon noticing Fíli's reaction, Kíli adopted a rather self-satisfied smirk. "Still." Fíli said darkly. 

"Look," Kíli said with a sigh, his smirk dropping. "You're welcome. Just... Think first next time." 

Fíli nodded and glanced down, trying to think of how to properly articulately what needed to be said. Kíli had made a choice - he had decided that there was something in Fíli worth saving, and Fíli wanted to express what that meant to him, but the words simply clustered and melted into an indistinguishable mess in his mind, from which he could discern no meaning or articulation, so he instead sat dumbly, willing impossible words to come to him. Next to him, Kíli let out another sigh and he shifted distractedly. 

"Fíli-" Kíli spoke with masked uncertainty, and Fíli looked over at him quickly. "It's been a long time - we've been dwelling on anger at people that aren't truly us anymore, and it's holding us back." Kíli cut off and closed his eyes for a moment. Fíli observed for the first time how old Kíli truly looked. He was still only seventy-eight, yet he looked beyond his years, and certainly he was no longer the boy that Fíli had lost. "The jagged scars ran across proud cheekbones that no longer held the chubby appearance of youth. His jaw was strong and though his beard had yet to grow in fully, there was more there than Fíli had noticed. The most noticeable, however, were the spiderwebs of lines around his eyes that told of both knit brows and frowns, and exposure to harsh elements. He was not the child that Fíli had once known - he was brave and he was thoughtful, and he had the biggest heart of anyone Fíli had ever known, if only he would show it more often. "What I'm trying to say is that I forgive you. I forgive you for what you did because you saw no hope. I've been there - and it took me until now to realize that there's always hope for those who are willing to preserve it." 

The silence that overcame the room was impenetrable until a noise outside the door cracked its hold and Fíli felt he could speak. "Thank you," Fíli murmured, feeling his chest tighten. "I've come to realize," he spoke softly, his gaze flickering away from Kíli then back again every few seconds. "That you are my hope. Without you, I had nothing to fight for until Fraer, and all Fraer got was an absent father who he never really knew loved him. I need you, and I need him. I can't distance myself any longer." 

"Fíli-" 

"I love you." 

"I know." 

"Do you?" Fíli asked insistently, and Kíli quieted for a few breaths. 

"Yes," Kíli said finally with a nod. "Yes, I know that you love me." 

"I can live without you." Fíli said slowly, reaching a hand out to brush a finger down one of the long scars. "I've learned that. But I like my world far more when you're a part of it." 

"Good," Kíli said, leaning into Fíli's touch. "Because I really don't have anywhere else to go." 

"You'll always have a place with me." Fíli said, moving to cup Kíli's cheek. "If you want it." 

"I do," Kíli said, closing his eyes again. "This place is starting to feel like - " He stopped. 

"Like what?" 

"Like home." Kíli opened his eyes again, and Fíli felt the first genuine smile in years break across his face.

 

When Kíli was absolutely certain that Fíli would not lose consciousness again, he finally left Fíli's room, just as Balin was returning with Fíli's supper. Kíli chose to sup in his own room, after he noticed just how terribly he smelled after not even washing up for five days. When he had bathed himself and dressed in a clean linen tunic and breeches, he left his half-finished dinner in his room, passing Fíli's closed door on the way to his destination. When he arrived in front of the grand mahogany door, he paused, then knocked three times before entering. 

"Uncle Kíli!" Fraer cried out when Kíli strode in, his voice far stronger than Kíli had expected. "You didn't come to see me!" 

"I know, I'm sorry," Kíli said with a tired smile, "But I'm here now." 

"Fíli's awake," Kíli hadn't even noticed Raya sitting next to Fraer's bed, gaunt and peaked. Kíli realized that they probably looked very similar, both being sleepless and drained, and he couldn't help but grin. 

"Aye, he's awake," Kíli said. "And getting stronger every second. You, on the other hand, need sleep." 

Raya shook her head insistently. "I'm fine. I'm glad that Fíli's awake." 

"You're fine now, but in a few hours, you won't be." Kíli said, approaching Raya. "Go rest, I'll stay with Fraer for a few hours, and if he needs you or anything changes, I'll let you know." 

Raya seemed hesitant, but, after a beat, she nodded and rose unsteadily, denying the hand that Kíli offered to steady her. "Promise me you'll wake me." Raya said, making her way to her adjoining quarters. 

"I promise," Kíli said with an earnest nod, settling into Raya's abandoned chair when she was gone. 

"Can father come visit me, too?" Fraer asked Kíli with youthful concern. 

"I don't know if he'll be able to for a while," Kíli answered truthfully, "His leg is broken, and it will take a long time for that to heal. But, knowing Fíli, he'll ensure he sees you before he's healed. You'll be the first place he'll go." 

"I guess I'll never get to be king now." Fraer said, his expression steadily changing to dejection. 

"Why do you say that?" 

"Because I'll never be able to fight." Fraer said. Kíli looked at Fraer's tiny body in the huge bed, propped up on pillows, his legs limp and unmoving. He looked utterly pathetic and helpless. 

"Fighting is a very small part of what a king does," Kíli said, "And a wise king fights as little as possible, choosing words over weapons." If the Kíli of only a few months ago had heard that, he would have scoffed and made a comment about Kíli 'growing soft.' 

"Fíli always told me you were a great fighter," Fraer said with a skeptical frown. "Because you were a prince, and that I'd be a great fighter, too." 

"Aye, I was a good fighter, but a horrible prince." Kíli said with a sigh. "I fought with a sword and a bow more times than I can count, but that has brought me no honour or glory. What makes a good prince - or king, in your case, is not knowing when to use your sword, but when to use a kind word instead. Your father taught me that one." 

"He said you don't love him very much," Fraer said, "that's why he makes you sad." 

Kíli smiled and looked down, amused by Fíli's assumption. "Your father is wrong. I love him, and that's _why_ he makes me sad." Kíli said. "The same way he makes you sad when you think he's not looking." 

Fraer stayed silent for a moment, before he spoke with startling earnestness. "I just wanna see him more." 

"You will," Kíli said with a small smile. "He loves you more than anything, Fraer." 

"Promise?" Fraer looked up at Kíli reproachfully. 

"I promise." 

 

 

"Have you ever considered that with a broken leg, it's perhaps best that you rest it?" Kíli asked rhetorically, sighing as Fíli pulled himself to standing, leaning heavily on crutches that he had had hewn for him. 

"Yes," Fíli said, "But I'm the king, which entails work, you know." 

"Which would probably be easier to do when your leg is healed," Kíli said pointedly, "which would happen faster if you actually _gave it time to heal._ " Kíli glanced back at Fíli, who was struggling with his crutches in time to see Fíli roll his eyes. 

"Either way it'll heal," Fíli retorted, hobbling towards the door. 

"Not necessarily," Kíli set down the tunic he was folding for Fíli, and strode to the door, shutting it before Fíli could reach it. 

"Let me through." Fíli said, tilting his head up, his brow furrowed. "As your king, I order you to move." 

After a long moment, Kíli's resistant glare broke and he grinned - Fíli only took a second longer. "And, as your brother, I order you to stop being a twat and get back to bed." 

"Make me," Fíli said cheekily, still grinning." 

"The one on crutches challenges the able-bodied, taller - and handsomer, may I add - one to _make him_ do something." Kíli snorted. "Yes, Fíli good thinking, that'll go perfectly well, won't it?"

Fíli let out a melodramatic sigh before turning around awkwardly and hobbling back towards his bed. "I can't stand this, though - not being able to move, to make decisions, to see my son." Fíli's voice grew quieter at the last few words. 

"Fraer is fine," Kíli said reassuringly, crossing to the bed. he began to rearrange some of the bedding to make the bed more comfortable for Fíli. "He's learning to get by. He's adaptable, that son of yours." 

"Adaptable, yes," Fíli said, "but not even eleven and without the use of his legs." 

"That's no fault of yours," Kíli said sternly, taking the crutches from Fíli as he lowered himself carefully back down onto the bed. "You did more than you should have. He still has his life - you should be grateful at least for that." Fíli stayed silent for a long moment and Kíli sighed and sat next to Fíli on the bed. "That's all int he past now, Fíli, I thought we decided to stop dwelling." Gently, Kíli reached over and took one of Fíli's hands in his own injured one, squeezing it reassuringly. "You need to get better so you can help him to adjust." 

Fíli looked over at Kíli before he sighed and smiled, pressing a kiss to his unmarred cheek. "I suppose you're right." 

"That's what I've been saying all along, but you never listen," Kíli said with a grin sneaking back upon his lips. 

"That's because sometimes I'm more right." Fíli said with a faux-haughty sniff that made Kíli scoff. 

"Having a bigger ego doesn't make you 'more right.'" Kíli said, swatting Fíli's arm playfully. "Not having a broken leg that you got yourself into makes you more right... Especially since it's your _right_ leg... So you can't use it... Making me _more right_!" Kíli began to snicker madly at his own joke, and Fíli just started at him with (unimpressed) raised brows. 

"Are you done yet," Fíli asked sardonically. 

"That depends," Kíli said with a self-satisfied grin, "I'm not quite on the last _leg_ of the journey here, see, I've still got one _foot_ on the ground..." 

"You really think you're clever, don't you?" Fíli asked with a snort. "None of that made sense, by the way." 

"I think I'm brilliant," Kíli said with a wide grin. Fíli couldn't help but chuckle, and this time, the kiss he gave Kíli was laid softly upon Kíli's lower lip. 

"Brilliant perhaps," Fíli said as he pulled back, "But your jokes are awful." 

"Yeah, well, your leg's still broken, so I win." Kíli said stubbornly, and Fíli laughed. 

"It's healing, you know." Fíli said with a small, fond smile. "Everything's... Nicer." 

"It'll take time," Kíli said with a sigh.

"I mean the bond." Fíli said and Kíli looked at him pointedly. 

"So do I," Kíli said, "Brilliant, remember? And we still have a ways to go, but we're getting there." 

"Even if it takes a hundred years, I'll still be here, doing whatever I can." Fíli said, squeezing the hand still intertwined with his own. 

"Let's hope it doesn't take quite that long," Kíli said with a small laugh. "But, I suppose, I will too, I don't have anywhere else to be, really." Kíli shrugged so casually that Fíli snorted. "Please tell me that you do that snorting thing around ambassadors and royalty, because that's incredibly attractive." Kíli said with faux-deadpan seriousness. 

"Shut up," Fíli frowned, glowering at Kíli reproachfully. Kíli suppressed a grin. 

"It was just so... Dashing." Kíli continued, "I've never been so attracted to you, I just-" 

Kíli's words were cut off by Fíli's lips, but his laugh could be heard for a few more seconds before it, too was silenced. 

 

 

The grass rose above their bodies as they lay side by side, staring up at the sky above them. The faint chill of an approaching autumn caught the air, but the sun was warm upon their cheeks and they were too lost in each other's voices to care. 

"I always thought that this was what it would be like," Kíli was saying thoughtfully. "Just minus the facial scarring and everything that came between." 

"Lying on your arse doing nothing, you mean?" Fíli asked with a laugh, and Kíli reached over to swat at his chest. 

"No," he said, "lying on my arse doing nothing _with you. _All that politics stuff - it's tedious."__

__"Aye, but you're excellent at it," Fíli said, reaching up to take the hand that Kíli had left on his chest._ _

__"No, I"m just better than you, and that's not saying much," Kíli snickered, you tend to just stare at the wall, looking as if you're about to lay an egg before you finally say something profound, like '...I agree with Kíli.' "_ _

__"I'm not that useless!" Fíli protested, but Kíli just laughed._ _

__"You're that useless," he said, and Fíli frowned. "You're good at the whole 'make them like you' aspect of politics, however, you get too concerned with that to ever put your foot down. So it's a good thing you have me."_ _

__"For more reasons than just that." Fíli laced his fingers with Kíli's, but he could practically hear Kíli roll his eyes._ _

__"Don't get all sappy on me," Kíli said dryly. The grass rustled softly as he turned on his side. "But I'm glad to have you too, you know."_ _

__"You felt it, didn't you?" Fíli looked over at Kíli, searching his expression intently._ _

__"Of course I did. It's been four years, hasn't it?"_ _

__"Aye," Fíli said with a soft sigh, looking back up at the sky. "I get worried sometimes that-"_ _

__"Well, don't." Kíli said stubbornly. "You and I - and Raya, and Fraer, and everyone in this world, we're all a bit damaged, and we'll never quite be fixed. But you've made everything seem worth it to me. You make me strong."_ _

__Fíli rolled over and slid a hand behind Kíli's neck and he kissed him gently, as a gust of wind blew by, rustling their hair. Overhead, a thrush called, and inside Erebor, Fraer's laughter echoed._ _

__All was well._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a ride, kids. I have a few plans for upcoming fics in a few weeks once i'm free of exams, hope this one hasn't turned you off my work forever haha
> 
> MUCH LOVE FROM ME 2 U FOR READING
> 
> as always, feedback is much appreciated ((:


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